Trading Places: Personal stories from viewers

Submitted by Norma McGarrey Picture taken of my Dad and me at Reagan Library in December 2006.

My dad, Ken Mueller, a retired USAF pilot, proudly served his country during WWII, Korea and Viet Nam. He will be 88 in May and now he lives with me. Almost 6 years ago, his health was fragile and he ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. He came to live with me when he got out of the hospital and is still with me, doing VERY well in spite of some medical challenges. He has one kidney due to renal cell carcinoma in 1984 (which is back with a slow growing tumor where his kidney used to be), a pacemaker installed in 2005, atrial fib, COPD (all those years smoking), arthritis and high blood pressure. He and I mall walk three times a week and spend as much time as possible attending his only grandchild's athletic and academic events (she is a Senior in high school). Last summer, I took him to my high school reunion. He really enjoyed seeing all the "kids" and where we lived so long ago. I love having this time with him but it is very difficult to see this once extremely strong individual now dependent upon me. I always considered him my rock and now I am his. I am so grateful I'm able to care for him, but it can be emotionally draining. We are lucky to have one another!!!! --Norma McGarrey, Thousand Oaks, CA (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

Submitted by Judith Abbott Dad at Christmas 2005 in Quincy Illinois

Two years ago my Mother passed away. My parents were married almost 65 years and had been living in a retirement village in Wisconsin. My Father who is 92 suffers from Alzheimers. After her death, the only place for him was the Alzheimers unit. We just couldn't consider leaving him alone in Wisconsin, and didn't feel that was appropriate due to his high level of functioning. So, Dad came to live with us in Quincy, Illinois. Many people thought we were crazy to take him. But, there was no hesitation on our part. He moved here in Nov. 2004, and continues to do well with us. I am a lawyer and my husband is a University Professor, so our schedules are somewhat flexible. We live in a big old house with a fenced yard in small town USA. A perfect place for Dad. We have a care giver who comes in every day while we are at work. Dad has memory problems but his health is good. We are all coping with the changes my Mother's death has brought us. This has changed all of our lives. We are no longer free to come and go the way we once were. We sleep a little less soundly, always alert for whether Dad is up out of bed in the night. We remain vigilant when he leaves the house, but try not to let him know we are always "watching". The stress at times can be overwhelming. My sister came here from Japan last year so we could have our first vacation in 2 years to get 4 days away in Chicago. My whole family continues to pitch in to help take care of Dad. Dad is part of the "greatest generation". He is a WW2 Army Officer. His Signal Corp company, attached to General George Patton's armored division, helped fight at Bastogne France during the winter of 1944 (The Battle of the Bulge) and also helped to take the Bridge at Remagen. He came home after WW2 to raise a family in Chicago, Illinois. His sacrifice in WW2 was the greatest gift he could give his children and his nation. Our sacrifice for him at this time in his life pales in comparison to that. Every day we have with him is a gift. Is it hard at times...you bet it is. His memory problems present huge challenges for him, a once brilliant Electrical Engineer. But he greets each day with joy and the expectation that he can play with his dog and feed his squirrels and birds. He takes such joy in his ability to set the table, wash the dishes, and dump wastebaskets. He patrols our neighborhood each day picking up trash and sticks. The example my Father set for his family was one of hard work, devotion to family, sacrifice for your country, and to leave the world a little better off than you found it. HE continues to manifest those qualities. He is truly an example of the "greatest generation". He went to College during the depression, fought WW2, raised a family during the turbulent 60's, saw a son off to Viet Nam, and educated 4 children to become professionals. This is the best and hardest thing we will ever do. --Judith Abbott, Quincy, IL (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

I retired 3 years ago so I could help my parents who were in their 80's. Within 6 months my father passed away, and then six months after his death, my mother had a massive stroke. When the doctors determined she was stabilized, she was released from the hospital. She could walk short distances with a walker, couldn't use her left arm, and had a feeding tube because she lost her ability to swallow. My brother, sister and I took her to her home. Fortunately, my brother moved back "home" a few years ago to help out, so he is there overnight. My sister and I go to her home everyday to cook, clean, help with shower/shampoos, take her to doctor appointments and therapy sessions. We had to learn how to use and clean the feeding tube and bandages. Social workers have talked with us about programs to help home caregivers. Mom doesn't qualify for anything because her income is slightly above the poverty level. She lives on a very small pension and Social Security, but it is enough to disqualify her from any assistance. She pays the utilities and tax bill, and we chip in for food and other household items. We recently had a walk-in shower installed, as she seems to be getting weaker. I recently read that Ohio ranks 49th out of 50 states in assisting home caregivers. Ohio, it is reported, wastes millions of Medicaid dollars, sending seniors to nursing homes when they actually could be taken care of at home, with a little aid. It sounds like Ohio has nothing to offer us, but I wonder if there are any federal programs out there for people like us. Above all, I want to emphasize that we are taking care of my mother because we love her dearly. She is an exceptional woman who spent her entire life giving and caring for others. I feel I can't do enough to help her during this difficult time in her life. --Elaine Twigg, Tallmadge, OH (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

If you think that "old age" and losing one's independence is when you have to give up the car keys, think again. My father, who is a Filipino immigrant, never lived away from family in 92 years. After my mother died suddenly of a stroke, we realized that Dad needed more care then we could offer in our homes, so we moved him to an assisted living situation. While there, my father has quickly declined, losing weight, his ability and desire to eat and focus on days and time has wained. The greatest loss of his independence came when he needed help in the bathroom, to wipe himself. I thought, "ok, we're crossing a new threshhold here"...what to do to make sure he feels he's still got pride and control? Well, all I could do was ask him if he wanted to play cribbage afterward. He smiled. At 84 lbs wet, I can lift my dad into bed, pull him to a better position in his easy chair and wheel him easily around the building. He sleeps 85% of the day, but smiles wide when visitors come by. We started hospice for him three months ago and it has somewhat increased his quality of life. I wonder about what our country sees as "assisted living". I think it means "assisting to function" and not really to THRIVE. Depression in most older adults in nursing homes and assisted living centers is through the roof. I watch as the residents at my dad's place wait; for someone to show up, to touch them, to say "hello"." - the simplest of things we've seemed to lose touch with. It's an incredible story to watch...if younger people lived in close proximity to each other like these folks, they would be hanging out with EACH OTHER and not waiting. There is more time waiting, more time hoping for something to happen that will change the day-to-day... On several occasions, residents and the children of the residents have joined together to plan tea parties, Hawaiian-themed lunches and Sunday brunches where stories were the centerpiece. It doesn't take much to engage them. I think we forget how much we all like to talk and what little it takes to inspire.... Note: check out the incredible research of Gene Cohen who has done extensive research on the impact of the arts on the elderly (dementia in particular). --Anonymous , Minneapolis, MN (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

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