Trading Places: Personal stories from viewers

Submitted by Joan Kobrin My son Zachary, 27 years old, my daughter Samantha, 32 years old, and my dad, Danny Gross,almost 98 years young

My parents were 29 when they were married in 1939, an age considered old in those days. My father was a self-educated Russian immigrant and my mother a first generation American. After ten years of being told they would never have children they contemplated moving to California from Fairmont, West Virginia. Then they found out that my mother was pregnant. Thirty-nine was definitely old for a first child! Obviously they didn’t move, and eventually settled in Pittsburgh, Pa. And under these unique circumstances I was raised and sometimes spoiled as an only child, but also treated as an adult. My parents were in their late sixties and early seventies when my own children were born, making me one of the first members of the sandwich generation many years ago. Fortunately my parents experienced good health for most of their lives. When my mother died suddenly and peacefully almost thirteen years ago the widows flocked to console my father. Because my parents had been happily married over fifty-six years and were still active and vibrant when my mother died, I had been warned to expect my father to move into another relationship, which he did. Though they lived in their own condos, had a companion and still had an active life. He volunteered weekly at a large hospital, even training candy-stripers! He was Volunteer of the Year at the age of ninety-two. He drove until two years ago when he developed macular degeneration in both eyes. And now I find myself as the caretaker for my strikingly handsome father. He still lives by himself, but in an independent adult community much closer to me. It was his decision to move so he could be with people his age because all of his friends in his condo complex had died. He was the only one left. With the help of my family, I dispense his medicine, take him to his doctors, the grocery store and to the mall. He insists that he have his independence. He has enough vision that he proudly gives himself a “wet shave” and doesn’t cut himself. With assistance from friends he plays bingo and cards and enjoys the local casinos run by the Seminoles and Miccosukees. (He actually gets assistance from the casino dealers because he has documentation that he is legally blind.) He is almost ninety-eight and though he has become frail with age, he still has the looks and spirit of a seventy-year old, including a full head of pure white hair and clear, bright hazel eyes. He is so respected by my children, now thirty-two and twenty-seven, that he is a groomsman in my son’s wedding this spring. We try to audio and video tape his stories of tsarist Russia, his entry at Ellis Island, as a Jewish merchant in West Virginia co-existing with the Klan and, of course, his memories of life with my mother. I know that parents are supposed to be the role models for their children, but I am proud to say that my dad is truly the ultimate role model for all of us! --Joan Kobrin, Miami, FL (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

Six years ago my parents in law decided it was time to sell their home and downsize. We suggested that we build an 1100sq ft. condo onto our home and they move in with us. My wife was shocked that her father thought that was a good idea. The condo was built and they moved in. In designing the condo we made handicap accessable with needed hand rails installed into the bathroom. They had 2 bedrooms,laundry rm,bath,kitchen,living room and their own entryways. Within a year or so we all noticed changes in her father-his doctor said it was the onset of dimentia. Throughout the next two years we played tug of war to get him to refrain from driving. If we knew then what we know now we would have insisted he stop driving and taken away his keys and sold his car...he was too dangerous to be on the road...but we thought we were dealing with a normal person. His condition spiralled downward to the point that my wife,her brother and two sisters began to give him around the clock 24/7 care in his home. It was hard on his wife to watch what he was becoming and worried about the care and the cost of future care as he grew more and more distant and disabled. In August of 2006 my mother in laws doctor said he had to be removed to a memory impaired facillity because of what his care was doing to her. As much as everyone tried to keep her outy of the day to day care it was taking a horrible toll on her. My wifes father passed away the week after Thanksgiving-just about three and a half months after he was taken to the nursing home. But my wife continued through the 3 and a half months to care for him at the nursing home-he had no idea who she was but she cared for him until jhis last breath. Unlike many people in their mid fifties we are not looking to retire...we have been self employed for 32 years and we have worked together at home and the office for most of that time. She missed the caring for her father and has decided to work every other weekend in the same facility he was in for 28hrs per weekend on top of her job with our company. If the time comes when her new job is interferring with her current job I know she will opt for working with the memory impaired-with my blessing-she was made to do this work-she is so kind and understanding with them and all the unique problems they have. We have decided this will be the main focus to "our retirement"...that and our children and grandchildren...we now beliieve we were not meant to quit doing for others and just think of having fun...we have found this to be more satisfying then anything else we have ever experienced. My mother in law and wife are doing fine and I just put them on a flight to Pensacola to visit one of our sons and their family-something neither could even think of doing while her father was alive. It is true that it is better to give then to recieve. --Christopher Kelly, Flint, MI (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

Submitted by Joan Mccue Mom with my brother Thomas Konopka, his wife Charlotte and me on the right.

My Mom (Helen Bartoszek Konopka) was born on 7/12/1911 in Erie, PA. She was the oldest of 6 children. At 12 Mom left school and went to work as a domestic servant to help support the family and reduce the number of mouths to feed. At 26 Mom married Dad and they were married 53 years until my father died of pneumonia secondary to Parkinson's. I started caring for my parents when Dad was diagnosed with P. I helped Mom choose a senior apartment and all went well till Dad died. Mom continued to live in the apartment for two years. Then she began to have some physical problems and I convinced her to move to an assisted living facility. I looked at places near me but Mom felt that she would be happier in her "neighborhood." The cost of assisted living near me was much higher. Although Mom's finances were good, I was afraid she would run out of money in CT as her physical problems were not life treatening. Mom was happy at the assisted care living at St. Mary's in Erie. In two weeks she was organizing card games. All went well until Mom started failing about three years ago. The arthritis in her knee was making walking almost impossible - the doctor finally said she should not walk unaided. Mom didn't like walkers or wheelchairs or the bracelet to call for aid if she fell. Mom had to move into the skilled nursing section of St. Mary's. This is when the care became difficult. Dementia seemed to set in and her eyesite and hearing are also failing. My brother and I both felt she would be better off near me but now Mom won't move. It is too late, too disorienting. I should have brought her here in the beginning because now Mom is alone. Her relatives gone (all but one brother, who is in Florida) and my brother and I in Buffalo and Lakeville, CT. I could visit her daily here but ... I volunteer at out local nursing home (Noble Horizons) and hope that some volunteer might be doing the same thing for my Mom. --Joan Mccue, Lakeville, CT (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 2 years ago. She refused to leave her home in New Jersey, and in the early stages we could not convince her to leave. After my sister and I limped her through on the phone and with aides and volunteers for over a year, she came to live with my husband and me, who both work out of our home. We enrolled her in an adult day program run by our county, which subsidizes the cost for low-income seniors. This programs gives us a few days a week to work uninterrupted, run errands, and just take a break from the trauma and stress of caring for her. More importantly, it is a social outlet for her which she thrives in and looks forward to and misses on the days she cannot go. Now, the county wants to shut down the program. There is a for-profit program nearby, but it does not offer reduced rates or subsidies for care, which means that she and many of the other residents will have to reduce their time there, or perhaps even give up the day care altogether. In addition to taking away the socialization and activities that helps keep the attendees moving, happy, and more alert, this adds yet another burden to already over-stressed caregivers, who must arrange their jobs and lives around their parents. Caregivers need all the help they can get, and getting the rug pulled out from under them makes already difficult lives harder than ever. --Dawn Jackson, Haymarket, VA (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

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