Trading Places: Personal stories from viewers

Submitted by Richard Magnan Here's a picture of my Mom and I in the summer of 2005

Although this series is a wonderful bunch of articles, it breaks my heart every evenings. Why? Because I'm a lonely child here in NJ and my Mom is all by herself in Montréal, in a comfortable appartment, at the age of 83, she's still in shape enough to provide for herself. But what if...? I call her twice a week and make sure she's all right. At least, a close cousin is checking on her regularly. But that should be my responsibility. And I wasn't able to get there in time when my Father passed away. I wish I could still be there to take care of her, as I should be, but I'm here with my wife and children, caught in the gears of life. I really wish I was up there for her. Richard Magnan Linden, New Jersey --Richard Magnan, Linden, NJ (submitted on Feb. 23, 2007)

Bravo Brian: Thanks for doing these sets of stories for the public. Hmm, 3000 chars. Here goes: My mother, her name was Helen, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's back in the early 80's; when the disease was considered a psychiatric disorder not a physical disease. Many of her tests at that time were not covered by Medicare. A brief background on my mom, who was an amazing lady. She lost her Mom when she was 8 yrs. old. Raised by different family members during her formative years, along with her only sibling, a sister. Their father wasn't around much due to business. They only saw him on weekends. Mom married our father in her mid twenties, it was a bad marriage, he was an alcoholic and philanderer. There were four of us, my 3 brothers and me. She worked full time and worked even harder to keep us a family unit; putting her life on hold for us till we had grown up. Then the most devastating thing happened to her and all of us, her youngest child, our brother Jim (21), was killed in Vietnam in 1968. He was a Medi-vac helicopter pilot with the First Cav; he was shot down after picking up wounded. What a blow - losing a child. She kept her head high and always smiing. No one ever knew her heartache. Many years later, when she was about 70; she began acting a bit strangely, so much so her doctor and I both noticed. He suggested there may be fluid on the brain. Not to be, after many tests, Alzheimer's was her diagnosis. After we left the doctors and this horrible diagnosis; she said to me "call the lawyer - let's get everything in order". What a woman, class all the way. Her acceptance of this disease over the years was incredible. Don't think I would be so brave. The disease progressed. Mom stayed on her own, went to day care, eventually came with me for a short while; then went to live in the NJ Veteran's Home in Paramu, NJ. Her care was wonderful and the people really understood more like family, than strangers. During her illness we had a chance to have moments together that were priceless and still as I think and write this, it brings tears to my eyes. I must tell you that during this time we were fortunate to have the family bonds that we had and still have. Mom's disease lasted 15 years; she died after 7 weeks of hospice care on September 20, 2001. Nine days after 9-11. We all learned so much, were frustrated a lot, needless to say many tears were shed. During her illness, I decided to attend a caregiver support group for Alzheimer's. What a gift. It gave me such great information and insight and was unbelievably helpful. A place to go to vent, where everyone knew exactly what you were talking about and could even have a few laughs without someone looking at you strangely. The disease can be consuming without even realizing it. So many people watched out for her. So here I am a few years later facilitating the same group I belonged to and enjoying my different role. So briefly this is our story. Again thanks. --Anonymous , Park Ridge, NJ (submitted on Feb. 23, 2007)

Hi, my Name is Raymond and I found it very interesting about caring for your parents, In my case both my parents are gone my mother died at 53 and my father at 67 both of cancer. My father was an only child and so my grandmother which is his mother is still living, she will be 98 years old in June. I have been taking her shopping and helping her out for the last 20 years, we go to the grocery store and also to the doctors and shoping also she is a very remarkable women she still is able to live in her own home and take care of her self. She does her own cleaning and washing and she still irons and also she can still cook. In the spring she has a flower garden and some times she has a small vegetable garden. Her mind is very sharp I enjoy hearing her stories of the years of yesterday. She can remember things like you would not belive, I am very lucky to have a grandmother like her who can still do so many things on her own and not depend on others all the time. She lost her husband back in 1969 and sence then have had to do it all on her own, she is a very strong women and I am proud to have a grandmother like her, I enjoy all the time I get to spend with her, she has taught me so much and given me so much wisdom. --Raymond Richardson, Portland, ME (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

I am an administrator in a small nursing facility in Kansas. Kansas is very progressive in the changing the preception of what life in a nursing home is.Our facility is one that families, hospice organizations and community members declare is one that exhibits love and compassion. We have several success stories that demonstrate just how much love and care is given to our elders. As we all know when a person is placed into a facility, it is many times during a crisis stage and families are not prepared to make decisions as tough as placing mom or dad into a facility. Our staff understand this and try very hard to make the transisition from community living to long term care living as easy as possible. One of our residents was admitted with the prognosis that he wouldn't probably make it. He had a feeding tube, several diagnosis that were serious along with depression. He has been with us for approximately 4 months and during that time, he has regained his ability to eat normal, no tube feedings-no peg tube, his diseases are minimal and he is able to enjoy life once again with his family. Granted he isn't 100% but he enjoys his kids, grand-kids, going on outings and his biggest joy is being able to eat whateven and when he wants. Another of our residents, came to us at approximately 700 lbs, unable to move without assistance, on oxygen at all times and generally did not see any recourse but probably dying. She need surgury but was not a candidate because of her health and weight. She has been with us for 8 months, has lost down to 400 lbs., is up and about and capable of wheeling herself in her wheelchair wherever she chooses. She is up and about, needs minimal assistance to perform her normal activities of daily living and she has had the necessary surgury. She is very active in the nursing home and has started a card club with 3 gentlemen that also live here. They sit in the lobby or dining room for hours on end playing cards, laughing and generally making our lives much richer. Another gentleman came to us from another facility because they would no longer care for him because of his behaviors. He is now our Wal-mart greeter and will tell everyone that this is the "BEST PLACE TO LIVE". He does puzzles, jokes with staff and residents and his daughter cannot believe the change in him and enjoys coming to visit with her father. Is this a secret? Do we have a magic formula? No, we do not. We care for our people, we encourage them to be the best they can be. We are FAMILY with a capitol F. To see the smiles that small things can achieve, a stroll outside, sitting and holding their hands, comfort when they need. We aren't any different than many other facilities in the United States. We care, we want the best for our elders, and we want to grow and continue to improve the image of long term care. We look at our home with pride, intergrity and above all love/compassion. --Faith Sanders, Osage City, KS (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

Hi my name is Jenny I am 39 years old. My mother was my grandmothers caretaker since 2000. We moved her here from Minnesota after she took a fall and broke her hip. Last year my mom died @ the age 59. I am now my grandmothers caretaker. I had just dealt with the hardest thing in my life, losing my mom at such a young age, then I had to do the 2nd hardest thing ever, I had to put my grandma in a nursing home. My grandma is 82 and has dymensia, parkinson, bipolar, etc... I am unable to take care of the meds and all the things she needs. I tried for 2 months letting her stay in the apartment. I would go bath her twice a week, go over 3 times a day to make sure she took her meds. I just worried that one day I would find her hurt or dead. Health wise she is healthy, mentally is where she needs 24 hour attention. Somedays she is alert other days she is lost. She has stopped using the bathroom and relys on others to change her and doesn't want to walk either. I am the only family she really has to rely on. I go to see her once a week, wishing I could go more. I am a mom, business owner, wife, etc... Finding time to go see her is hard, yet I do. I watched my mom die suddenly last year and now I watch my grandma slowly slip away. I have learned alot about medicaid, medicare, etc. trying to do the right thing for my grandma. Thank you for showing these storeis, it makes me feel better about some of the decisions I have had to make over the last year for my grandma. --Jennifer Yanez-Stevens, Aurora, CO (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

My parents had been married for 51 years and they both past away last year my mom in May and my father in August. My mom had congestive heart failure and my dad had a massive left sided stroke. In Aug of 2000 my mom brought her then 85 year mom from South Carolina to live with her. In 2004 my father had a massive left sided stroke and due to my mom's health they was no longer able to stay in their house and an assitive living was out of the question. So in Febuary of 2005 I had all three living with my family. At the time my husband and I was 35 and my daughter was 15 years and my son was 10. My father could never be left alone and with all three of the care placed on my family. My husband had to quit his job to help lift and care for my dad. My dad was unable to walk or talk so he had to have total care. We took care of both of them until they past in 2006. Leaving us still to care for my 91 year grandmother who has dementia. I was so shock on how little help there is for people like us that decide to take care of their families at home rather then placing them in a home. The other thing that was a huge eye opener to me was medication cost my father's medication alone was 900.00-1000.00 dollars a month and my mom's was 500.00 dollars with some of her medication from the compasion care programs that some of the phamarcial company has. My husband and I have talked alot about everything we have been through the last 2 1/2 years and he would not change it if we had to do it again. The love and care my parents got from us was far better then what they would have gotten from any nursing homes. I am not saying that nursing homes are bad because I am getting ready to place my grandmother in a home that takes care of dementia patient because I am unable to do that at this time. --Debbie Lawson, Indianapolis, IN (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

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