Trading Places: Personal stories from viewers

As part of our ongoing series "Trading Places: Caring for Your Parents," we invited you to share your stories about taking care of your parents as they grow older. So far, more than 6,300 of you have responded. We've published a selection below.

I'm a bit late in writing this, but ironicly I've been dealing with my parents. First, let me give you a BIG thanks for sharing all your stories. I don't feel so alone now. I was so hoping that you would have shared ideas of financing. What do you do when your parents have no money left? My two siblings and I moved both my parents into an assisted living facility for their own safety and health reasons. They did not own a home and do not have a savings. They were barely surviving on their social security checks each month. My siblings and I are all chipping in per month but we are starting to go through our own savings. We are always stressed and it's started to really become a hardship on all of us. My Dad is a veteran and the VA turned us down for help. What happens to the seniors that don't have children to care for them? It is so very expensive but I know they need to be safe. Where do we go? Who can help? My husband has two children from a previous marriage, so not only do we pay for my parents each month, we pay child support and the oldest goes to college in september. How do I tell my step-daughter that we can't afford to pay her tuitoin like we planned because our money is being pulled in so many directions? We can no longer save for our own retirement or my own kids college funds. What are our options? I'm scared for my own future and I definitely do not want my kids to have to worry about taking care of us. Thanks for your time. --Michele MacPherson, broomfield, CO (submitted on March 3, 2007)

We now have diapers from large adult to preemie baby in our house. My father, age 88, came to live with us 5 months ago after having a stroke 4 months prior to that.When he left the hospital we brought him to a Rehab/nursing home believing it was the best thing for him.Since Katrina, a lot of nursing homes were not yet open, so our options were even more limited. In retrospect, I don't believe it would have mattered. He had lived in a wonderful assisted living for 2 years before that. All the women loved him there. He was having a great time.He required too much care to return to assisted living,but we thought he could adapt to the nursing home. Every day that he was in the nursing home was a struggle.One of us saw him every day and we had to fight to get even simple things done.I wanted to take him home immediately,but, after helping my mother care for her parents, I knew how difficult it could be.My fiance was the first to say "We're bringing him home!" I agreed with the intention of hiring sitters for 12 hrs/day,7days a week. The cost for sitters would be about the same as the nursing home.Fortunately, we had money from the sale of my dad's house plus his retirement. When we took him out of the nursing home, he could only stand with a walker and 2 assistants and only for a very short time.This was after he had gotten all the "rehab" he was supposed to get. After being with us for 1 week, with physical and occupational therapy, he was walking across the room with a walker.I knew, absolutely, that we had made the right decision. The sitters, however, did not work out so well.Again, Katrina caused a shortage of sitters, especially near us.We tried 3 different agencies and several sitters from each, but couldn't find one suitable.Our decision was for my fiance to quit work and care for my dad.We may still try to find someone for 1 or 2 days a week. I consider us very lucky. This experience has been very educational in many ways, but mostly emotional.Life is all about balance.Am I neglecting my partner by taking care of dad?What about my grown children?My son,dil and new grandaughter just moved in with us for a while. He's just out of the marines and they came home. Of course we have room for them.It's just hard to find the right balance sometimes. Dad's medical history and medicine lists are so long, I put them in the computer and print them out whenever we're going to the Dr.I find the most frustrating thing is there is always some new problem.We get everything "balanced" for a while,then something new pops up. I do CAT scans for a living and have a new respect for the people I deal with at work. I'm not so quick to judge or criticize any more. I understand better now, how things happen. Caring for Dad is probably the most rewarding thing My fiance and I will ever do. It certainly has made me appreciate these two men so much more.I think I can say it's an experience and relationship that my fiance will treasure. --Anonymous , Slidell, LA (submitted on March 6, 2007)

My mother lived in Palm Desert area and we live in Los Angeles about 2 hours away. Mom lived independently until she was 85. On a planned visit I found her hemorrhaging, she was so close to death, the ER doctor told me to prepare. Mom had very special angels. She went to a convalescent hospital and then home. She was doing well, but because of the blood loss she was now forgetful and we felt she needed extra care. My husband promised her she would never have to go to a "home" she was frightened of this and we stuck with that promise. We visited everyother week or so, but hired a part-time person to be with her during the day. We are not financially independent, but California aided us in her care, as well as my brother. She is always with us in spirit now. I work with an oncology surgeon as a patient care coordinator and see their family and friends who are caregivers. I have experience as a life coach and guidance counselor and have just started a support group for the caregivers. Fields of Power presents a Caregivers support group twice monthly and I am the facilitor. Our first meeting will be this Thursday and I am looking forward to watching over those who watch over others. Sharing, caring and support. You are blessed that you have your father and a good son, Brian, in caring for him. I know the guilt and sadness of not being close enough but we do our best with what we have. --Donna-Marie Stenlake, Los Angeles, CA (submitted on March 6, 2007)

Submitted by Janice Bramwell My mom on her 88th birthday

I first tried home health aides to stay with my mom. Unfortunately the trustworthy ones were much too costly. I had to figure out a different way to keep my mom safe. After many heart wrenching hours of trying to decide the best care for my mother, who has dementia, and is now hospice I placed here in an Assisted Living Facility. It was the best choice I made. I can now go to work and not worry that something will happen to her at home alone. Much to my dismay some family members did not agree with my decision and we no longer speak to each other. I felt guilt for taking her out of her home. I realize now that she is much safer where she is. I'm sure I would have felt worse if something happened to her at home alone. She is treated with respect and dignity as the facility only takes residents with dementia related problems. I took care of her for years, running from my home to her home and working full time. It took a toll on everyone involved. As Brian Williams said it is not like years ago when grandma came to live with you or grandma was in a nursing home. My mom is does not belong in a nursing home and it would have been too dificult to have her move in with my husband and myself. I would have had to hire aides when my husband and I were at work and for the evening as I work a very early shift. Now my mom has more of a social life and she participates in activities as much as she can. The facility provides spiritual care which is important to her. The hospice nurse visits weekly and there is a nurse on site. In the beginning my husband and I would not go out of town for the weekend or any vacation and visited her every day for a year. The staff told us to go that she would be ok. She is being well taken care of and we now visit twice a week or more if she is having a problem. My advice to others is don't let other family members try to make you feel guilty. You as the caregiver know what is best. I know it is a hard choice but for the safety of your loved one it may be the only choice. When she became hospice the doctors did not think she would make it till Christmas 2005. In January of 2007 she celebrated her 88th birthday! --Janice Bramwell, clinton township, MI (submitted on March 1, 2007)

Most of my life I had taken care of my parents,but in 1987 my Dad had a stroke and my Mom was paralyzed on the left side of her body most of her life. I had small childen and a husband and a very large house to take care of ,also My parents lived in a finished basement and it became increasingly hard for them to climb any stairs so we jointly decided to build a handicap home.Things were okay for a short period of time, my Dad walked with a walker and my Mom was able to walk with the help of a cane, but we we not prepared for things to come. In1996 my father died from routine surgery and I almost had a nervous breakdown. Then my mother wanted, for the first time to go out on her own. This too was short-lived. In 1999 my Mother was diagnosed with an inoperative brain tumor. After spending a grueling 4 months in the hospital for which I would go to the hospital every day even though it was 50 miles away. Her tumor had shrunk with radiation,but my Mom was not the same.She cried every day to come home, so after consulting with family members I decided to take her home. As time went on I had to feed her, bathe her, give her enemas,medicine, lift her every day, change her diapers and exercise her limbs. Even though I had no nursing skills, I quickly learned. Some days I became so tired I wished God would take me. It was very difficult for my children as we mostly ate out of pots on the stove because some days I had to spend all day trying to have her move her bowels.and sometime she would move them continously and I would have to change the bed and her all day. We did not realize what a financial burden this would become. My husband lost a couple of large cleaning accounts because I needed help. He slept in an unfinished basement,I slept in a small room off her bed. In 2002 ,after a brillant fight she lost her life and even though some friends thought I should put her in a nursing home I knew I could never do that. When I would see her smile at me and tell me she loved me my heart would melt. She was my best friend and I loved her with all my heart and I know she would have done the same for me. I am still devasted and think of her every day. Unfortunately, after trying very hard to recover financially we are going to loose our house in March. Although we are in foreclosure and times have been very difficult I would not change my time with her and wish with all my heat she was still with us. --Teresa Adams, New Castle, PA (submitted on March 1, 2007)

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