Simon shows ’em who’s boss in San Antonio

If the “American Idol” judges would like to know why people like Rosie O’Donnell think they are mean, Tuesday’s replay of the San Antonio auditions should give them a big clue.

It wasn’t that the comments were particularly nasty, or that Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson were wrong in any of their judgments. It wasn’t even that the show spent a lot of time on the unwashed masses of no-talents this week. In fact, the episode was bright and cheery as far as audition shows go, with a lot of airtime given to the singers who made it through.

But the episode still went out of its way to depict the judges as petty tyrants, picking on the untalented while holding even the successful in suspense. Even in an episode where the success stories were more memorable than the rejects — a rarity at this stage of the competition — Simon and company still were given plenty of sound bites in which to be rude.

That editing should be a big clue as to what those in charge of the show think of criticism. Call the judges any kind of name in the book … they don’t care. Love them or hate them, people watch “Idol” to watch the judges' mockery as much as to hear the singers sing. Probably more.

But that’s easier to take when the targets clearly just want to be on the show for the sake of being on television. In San Antonio, the victims were more sympathetic, which made even innocuous comments and gestures look more sinister.

‘Other door!’
Every “Idol” episode seems to have a montage, and this show’s depicted the struggles singers have had all season with the doors. In every “Idol” city, there has been a set of double doors in the audition room, with the right door open and the left door locked. Contestants have a 50-50 shot of picking the right one, tricky enough even without the emotional state many of them are in after either being told they’re going to Hollywood or hearing that they stink. Numerous clips showed the judges rolling their eyes and making snide comments at the many who choose poorly.

Slideshow   Celebrity sightings Gerard Butler faces “The Ugly Truth” in Los Angeles, KISS member Gene Simmons gets in his licks in Quebec, Kris Allen and the “Idols” are back on stage and more. more photos

But, really. If the door issue bothered anyone at “Idol” that much, it would have taken two seconds for someone to reach up and unlock the second one, allowing everyone to leave unimpeded and saving a whole 10 minutes of each day. It’s not like host Ryan Seacrest doesn’t have time to kill … get him a stepladder and some WD-40, and put him to work.

But the judges didn’t stop there. San Antonio didn’t offer much in the way of nutcases and attention-seekers, just a whole lot of people who were in way over their heads and didn’t know it. The judges were happy to clue them in.

Take Jasmine Holland. The 22-year-old looked scared to death to be singing in front of three cranky people on national television, and whether it was the nerves or the lack of talent, the result wasn’t pretty. But the fact that Simon was chuckling behind his hand and Randy was laughing as well infuriated Holland, who explained her struggles thusly — “it’s because y’all are being rude. You don’t know me and you don’t know anything about me.”

The judges kept on laughing through William Green’s rendition of “Amazing Grace.” In fairness, Green did sing the song slowly enough that grass grew between the wood floorboards, but Paula and Randy might have some serious questions to answer on Judgment Day for their snickering.

FREE VIDEO 'Idol' Parents Feb 6:  Joe Scarborough asks former "Idol" contestant Carmen Rasmusen and Star Magazine's Jill Dobson why some parents don't do more to protect their kids from "Idol's" criticism. Scarborough_Country

At least Green reacted well — smiling, thanking the judges, asking them if they minded if he put on a show on the way out, and only then unleashing a string of mock invective as he opened the door. Sandie Chavez came in with higher hopes, since she’d performed before the mayor of Houston who claimed to love her singing (in fairness, there’s no word on whether he asked if she was a registered voter first). But Chavez was no better than Green — her attempt at “Black Velvet” was entirely unintelligible.

When Simon asked “Was that serious?”, Chavez broke down in tears and apologized. Paula told her not to say she was sorry, and then Simon indicated that perhaps an apology was actually in order. Houston’s mayor surely won’t be inviting him to a concert anytime soon.

Of course, not every rejected contestant fit that mold. Several seemed to think the competition was “Metal Idol,” and the show quickly disabused them of that notion.

Chris Daughtry’s success last year has led to an increase in the contestants who think that America really likes its Idols to have a rougher edge. While a sizable number of voters may want some more alternative options, it’s important to remember that Daughtry sang at his auditions — he didn’t shriek like he was playing at Dodger Stadium.

These auditioners took a different approach. Bryan Kyrish said that people told him he sounded like Billy Idol, Ozzy Ozbourne and AC/DC. In other words, he sounds like a bunch of artists that never appear on “American Idol.” He chose to audition to “Rebel Yell,” screamed out a verse, and was quickly sent packing.

Jacob Tutor claimed to be more like Kurt Cobain and Axl Rose — former chart-toppers, but again not exactly what the show is looking for. He fared no better, except that he left by dropping a bunch of F-bombs that made the exit more entertaining.

MORE FROM AMERICAN IDOL

3 ‘Idol’ alumni target holiday season for debuts

3 ‘Idol’ alumni target holiday season for debuts Abdul feels optimistic about returning to ‘Idol’ ‘Idol’ rat pack: 10 finalists prepare for tour ‘Idol’ auditions return to talent magnet ‘Idol’ wannabes sing in rain as auditions begin Lambert says he's gay in interview Send us your photos from the ‘Idol’ auditions ‘Idol’ winner Allen duets with Huckabee Overeager AT&T employees helped ‘Idol’ fans Adam keen on Queen but won’t rock exclusively   Add American Idol headlines to your news reader: