How to get over a breakup and move on

Loneliness
(Otherwise known as: “Great, what the hell do I do now?”)

So. You made some changes. You broke up with the boyfriend that just can’t get over his ex.  You stopped seeing the guy that “just isn’t good at relationships.”  You stopped emailing the guy you had one date with three weeks ago – but keeps writing that you two “definitely have to hang out again.”  More importantly, you cleared out of your mind all of those excuses that you once made for men, all the ones that seemed so right at the time and now make you shake your head and think “I can’t believe I tried to convince myself of that!” Instead, all you are left with now is the understanding of what it’s really supposed to look like. You have the space to think about the great relationship you will most certainly be in. Your imagination is free now to think about that guy that will most definitely appear, now that you are so brave and strong.  You start thinking about true love again. About what that looks like, feels like.  You remember how much you want it and had forgotten that it was even a possibility, really. 

And then it hits you. If you have deleted all those addresses from your cellphone, if you have now raised your standards so that you have eliminated the entire demographic of game-playing, non-committal, selfish, freakish, emotionally-unavailable, completely ambivalent-about-you men from your list of potential suitors — who the hell is there left to date? 

When we did the Oprah Winfrey Show, there was one woman on the program that really took our advice to heart.  She ended up breaking up with her no-good boyfriend.  When we went back on the show, I asked the producer how this woman was doing.  And the producer shrugged and said “Well, to be honest — she’s really lonely.” I understood immediately what she meant. For me, the jubilation of finally realizing what I’m worth and what I’m not going to put up with anymore, slowly, eventually moved on to utter, bone-crushing loneliness.  Well, aren’t I so noble, going to another wedding by myself? Well, good for me, I get to spend Valentine’s Day with my mother (not that she didn’t appreciate it). How fantastic it is to not settle and have watched every episode of Law and Order made in the last ten years.

I don’t know about you, but I wanted my reward. A huge, seismic shift had occurred in my entire outlook on love and dating, and I believed the heavens should honor me by delivering to me a really nice boyfriend. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes it does, and those are the stories that give you hope (and sometimes make you want to jump out the window, if I was being truly honest). But most often, the reward for feeling better about yourself and no longer letting people treat you poorly, is just that — feeling better about yourself and not having people treat you poorly.    

But, I have to say, there is something else that comes in to fill the vacuum that our book creates, and it may seem like a consolation prize, but ultimately it’s everything.  Replacing the mediocre relationships, half-hearted men and meaningless emails and texts is not just bone-crushing loneliness.  It’s confidence. It is the miraculous emotion that rolls in to replace all the relationship rubble that has been swept away. No one is making you feel that you aren’t enough. No situation is making you feel unlovable. There is just you. There is just you and your standards, and soon enough, there is confidence. And the more of it that comes, the more positive reinforcement you will get from the outside world. And then, the more it continues to grow. No, it’s not a handsome man whisking you off your feet, but it’s the thing that will get you there more assuredly than anything else. It’s confidence. And you must not underestimate the power and gift of that.

Excerpted from “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt. Copyright © 2007 by Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt. All rights reserved. Published by Simon and Schuster. No part of this excerpt can be used without permission of the publisher.

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