The safety demo: Theater of the absurd?

Water landing. In the unlikely event of a water landing ... A “water landing”? Don’t you mean a “crash”?

Flotation. Your seat cushion can be used for flotation purposes. Really? You mean that uncomfortable, fart-infested cushion that hasn’t been washed in years could actually save my life? Who would have thought?

Life vests. In an emergency, inflate only one chamber of the vest upon leaving the aircraft. Real-life studies show that nine out of 10 passengers suffer from premature inflation, so don’t worry if it happens to you. It’s very common.

Slides. Make sure you jump into the slide with your legs in front of you. Why in the world would you jump into anything with your legs behind you?

The oxygen mask. In the event that it becomes necessary, oxygen masks will drop from the compartment above your seat. Be seated immediately, put on the nearest mask and breathe normally. Well, if that mask drops, here’s what I’m thinking: I am five miles up in the sky and something is really wrong. “Breathing normally” probably isn’t in the cards, but soiling myself might be.

Final safety check. The flight attendants are now performing their final safety checks. If you have any questions about safety or security before we take off, feel free to ask them at this time. Next time you hear this, be sure to ask this question and watch the flight attendant squirm: “The announcement says the bag on the oxygen mask does not inflate but oxygen is flowing to the mask, so why doesn’t the bag inflate?” It got me the first time I was asked.

The sign-off. Thank you for your attention. Well, the problem I have with this remark is that I am thanking people for something they have no control over. And if they weren’t paying attention they wouldn’t hear me say it, anyway.

In fact, many people ignore the safety demo, and some just pretend to pay attention. Only a few people listen intently. To those smart people, I really do say thank you. To those know-it-alls who decide to talk loudly during the safety demonstration, I have something different to say: Put a cork in it. People are entitled to hear the emergency information. It can, in fact, save your life.

So next time you get the safety demo, think of me and smile. And let me know if you have anything to add.

James Wysong has worked as a flight attendant with two major international carriers during the past fifteen years. He is the author of the "The Plane Truth: Shift Happens at 35,000 Feet" and "The Air Traveler's Survival Guide." For more information about James or his books, please visit his Web site or e-mail him.

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