Beauty pageants ... gone wild!

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Frontin’ to the Old Folks
This replaces the “Private Interview” portion of the competition, which previously took place behind the scenes — kind of like the Oscars for boring technical stuff. The new category, “Frontin’ to the Old Folks” would shake it up reality-show-style. A camcorder follows each contestant as she attempts to trick the judges into believing that she is not a skanky ho. Later, judges will confront the contestant à la Dr. Phil with such incriminating items as printouts of the sexually explicit MySpace posts she made while still in high school, along with topless cell phone pics she and her girlfriends shot in the McDonald’s bathroom after prom. No points are awarded for this category. It’s just fun to see people squirm.

Drinking Past the Point of Intoxication
This category replaces the “Talent” section. And isn’t the ability to hold one’s liquor a talent unto itself? Point gain is directly inverse to the contestant’s age but proportional to her blood-alcohol level. For example, if a contestant is below the legal drinking age of 21, yet has a blood alcohol level well above .08 percent, her score soars.

Making Out With Other Girls
Here’s where the recently deposed Miss Nevada could’ve really cleaned up. Easily facilitated by the previous “Drinking” portion of the competition, this category replaces “Evening Wear.” Of course, gals are more than welcome to wear evening outfits, as late-night alcohol-serving establishments are where this sort of behavior takes place — but only if there are lots of boys around to notice them, see how hot they are, and they strike the perfect “OH, PLEASE, DADDY DIDN’T GIVE ME ATTENTION! WON’T YOU PLEASE LOOK AT ME!” pose. Of course, the skankier the club clothes, the better! Think: “What would Paris Hilton hardly wear?”

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Flash Your Hoo Hoo
This category replaces “Lifestyle & Fitness in Swimsuit.” And what better way to showcase your vim and vigor than exposing your denuded vagina to an unsuspecting crowd? Bathing suits are so Victorian! All-American mom Britney Spears proudly paraded the portal through which her baby and her older baby entered the world. Now, the alcohol-poisoned, pretend-lesbian, future mothers of America have their chance to do the same.

Finish This Sentence: “I’m Not a Feminist, But ...”
Replacing the “Onstage Question,” this category is no longer random. Each contestant has the opportunity to answer the same query. The tricky part of this category isn’t delivering a thoughtful response such as “Girl power is awesome!” or “Sometimes I only shave my legs to the knee.” Contestants are actually judged by the number of “likes” they can fit into their one-minute response, as well as how many statements they can verbalize as a question. For example: “Like, I totally have gratitude to, like, the women who fought all the, like, battles before me? And that, like, it’s cool that I, like, totally have the freedom to like vote or, like, not wear a bra?” Extra points if she can squeeze in a shout-out to her friends back home.

Once these new categories are instituted and TV’s Mario Lopez crowns the new Miss Whatever, it won’t be money for education that the winner receives. In the era of rich, talentless heiresses creating booming careers on just the millions of dollars to which they have access, education is no longer a priority. Instead, the winner receives a lifetime supply of refined botulinum toxin injections and breast implants, as well as the opportunity to pose for Playboy in 10 years when her failed show-biz career finally grinds to a halt.

New York-based writer Helen A.S. Popkin is just jealous.

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