Tricks to help you 'babyproof' your marriage

The New and Different Ways We Communicate

The Big Leagues (Cover Baby’s Ears)
At times, we feel like we are under siege, and the pressure can take its toll. Remember when it was just the two of you and your biggest arguments revolved around whose turn it was to pick the restaurant, or who left their underwear on the bathroom floor? Friends, that was just battling it out in the sandbox. Caring for a newborn puts you right up there in the big leagues. It’s a whole new ball game. At best there are testy exchanges: “What do you mean you didn’t buy more diapers yesterday?” But often things get downright nasty. Doors are slammed and sofas are slept on.

Our friend Steve recalls feeling overwhelmed by the baby’s cries and yelling at his wife to “Get the f*#king diaper!” He later asked her when she thought her mom-instincts would kick in, to which she quickly replied, “How the f*#k should I know?” They are among the many new parents who simply cannot avoid expletives in these crazy early days.

“My husband had the unfortunate experience of telling me I should nap when the baby naps. I told him, ‘F*#k you. You’re at work. You take a nap.’?”
—Helen, married 11 years, 3 kids

This period of extreme parenting can cause severe Scorekeeping. “You’re too tired to watch her for a couple of hours? Too bad. I haven’t showered for three days. Just suck it up!” We’ll talk in detail about Scorekeeping in the next chapter, and how it can set the stage for ongoing marital conflict.

Fascinating Conversation
Even if we aren’t fighting, our conversation just isn’t what it used to be. The day-to-day care of a newborn ushers in new and fascinating repartee. Now all we talk about is .?.?. the baby and how to care for the baby — when to feed the baby, how much to feed the baby, whose turn it is to feed the baby, who’s going to wash the bottles, when to change the baby, who’s going to change the baby, when should the baby take a nap, when should the baby wake up, what should the baby wear, it’s too cold, no, it’s too hot, he needs a blanket, no, he doesn’t, he threw up a few minutes ago, his poop was a weird color, he didn’t poop today, we need to track his poops, why has he been crying for 3 hours. It’s endless.

Fun and Games
New parents resort to all manner of fun and games to keep themselves amused during this difficult time. Here are some of our personal favorites:

Midnight Chicken
Also known as Who Will Blink First? It goes something like this: It’s 3:00 a.m. The baby is awake (again) and crying (again). You are both awake. You both hear her. But nobody moves. Women are tacitly calling in their chit (Surely he knows it’s his turn this time?), but men, the masters of this game, simply play dead (maybe they throw in a little snoring). They can’t hear the crying because they are sound asleep. Who will cave in and get up first? Needless to say, it’s usually Mom.

Our friend Charlotte, however, plays a mean game of Advanced Midnight Chicken: “I used to nudge my husband when the baby would cry and say, ‘Hey, you’re up. I got her last time.’ But there really was no last time.” She’d been asleep all along, but he didn’t know it. So don’t get too comfortable there in the bed, Daddy-O.

Tricks to Dodge the Poop
Then there are the guys who cringe at the thought of changing a poopy diaper and will say or do anything to avoid it. We know we women have a heightened sense of smell, but come on—that toxic-waste diaper passes your Smell Test? And how about Kyle, who has never changed one because, he claims, “It would make me throw up.” How clever.

The Affair
John actually slips away from work an hour early just so that he can surreptitiously have a quick drink with his best friend before he heads home:

“I feel like I’m having an affair with my best friend. I try to see him once a week before catching my usual train for the evening. Don’t tell my wife. If she finds out, she’ll insist I come home an hour earlier and I’ll never see Pete again. It’s just nuts.”

The Fake Business Trip
Things can get so bad that some fathers resort to elaborate gamesmanship to survive, or more accurately, to get away from the baby-induced mania. The clear champion of this game is a new father, whom we’ll call Ron, who got a little desperate:

“When our first daughter was born I was so exhausted I couldn’t keep it together at work. I thought my boss was going to come in and find me passed out on the keyboard. Things got so bad that I told my wife I had to go on a business trip to Chicago. There was no business in Chicago. But I took a day off work, flew to Chicago, checked into a hotel, and got a full night’s sleep. It was heaven. I’m not really proud of lying to my wife, but it was a question of survival. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

By the way, we absolutely and emphatically do not endorse this “solution,” although we know husbands everywhere (our own included) are secretly in awe of Ron’s ingenuity.

Sex
Huh? No one is having sex during this period (and if you are, it’s nothing short of weird). Women have to heal, no one has any energy, and if there is any extra time, you are sleeping. Next.

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