Seattle’s bad singers rain down on ‘Idol’

The pre-show buzz was that this season’s “Idol” auditions in Seattle were the worst in the six-year history of the show. The acerbic Simon Cowell made that very clear when he told the local press just that after the first day of tryouts, and the national media got the same message after Day Two.

Anyone who still doubted got the authoritative word from host Ryan Seacrest, who brought the audience back from a commercial break by saying “Welcome back to the talent vacuum that is Seattle.” (Considering that Seacrest spent Wednesday’s show bashing Minneapolis, it will be interesting to see how the ratings for his syndicated radio show do in those cities next week.)

There’s musical talent in Seattle. But perhaps the show’s producers should have kept in mind that the band most associated with the city is Nirvana. And many of the auditioners seemed to epitomize the lines from “Smells Like Teen Spirit”: “I’m worst at what I do best / And for this gift I feel blessed.” The singers who were good sounded better than the ones who made it through on Tuesday’s show … but the ones who were bad, were horrid, and they blessed the judges with some cringe-worthy performances.

Pop goes the contestants
Seattle’s music is most famous for its grunge, hardcore, alternative and metal bands. It’s not really known as a center of pop music, and this “Idol” episode won’t change that impression. But most of those who tried out would be out of place in any type of musical activity, even karaoke.

Kenneth Briggs and Jonathan Jayne became friends while waiting in line, and got to tell about their new status as BFFs to the cameras. The former was short, thin, and described by Simon as looking like “one of those creatures who live in the jungle with those massive eyes”; the latter was much larger and looked like he could eat his buddy for breakfast. Shockingly enough, neither made it. But expect to see both again at the season finale so Ryan can breathlessly tell us if they stayed in touch.

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Hairstylist Eric Chapman was this year’s “guy-hoping-to-get-on-by-looking-like-last-year’s-winner.” He almost got a rude exit, as the bouncers raced in once the rejected Chapman walked over to the judges’ station and made like he was going to fix Paula’s hairdo. In his defense, it’s about time someone did.  

Nicholas Zitzmann said that his co-workers in Utah encouraged him to try out. Either they don’t like him very much, they’re compulsive practical jokers, or there isn’t a lot of musical talent in the Salt Lake City software industry. Simon called his attempt at “Unchained Melody” “almost non-human,” and that was a fair indication of its quality.

Jennifer “The Hotness” Chapton got bonus points for the nickname, but lost them all when Paula had to remind her to spit out her chewing gun before she began. If nothing else, she served as an example to young girls everywhere that their seventh-grade science teachers are right when they say that nobody takes gum-chewers seriously.

Last, and possibly least, was Steve Thoen. He tried to sing “Bohemian Rhapsody,” and failed so miserably that Simon said, “It was like a 1-year old was singing that song.”

At least some were realistic about their performances. Melissa Stavros admitted that she “sang like a goat.” David Mills got slammed by Simon, then told the cameras that “it’s been a major wake-up call for me.”

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