Choices about aging parents revive sibling strife

Defined roles, ‘happy ending’
After the tension died down, Aylward and his sisters successfully refocused on their mother’s needs and agreed on a plan to share responsibilities. Aylward handles the bills, insurance and legal issues. His younger sister takes their mother to hair appointments and shopping. His older sister, who has a nursing background, acts as an advocate for their mother’s medical needs.

“It’s really turned out better than we could have ever imagined. We have a happy ending,” Aylward said.

Although Aylward’s family worked out their differences on their own, some families need outside help to defuse old time bombs.

Some turn to professional mediators, a specialty that’s still in its infancy. A network of elder mediators formed last year to address training and policy issues, said Penny Hommel, co-director of the Center for Social Gerontology in Ann Arbor, Mich., who knows of several hundred mediators trained in issues of the elderly.

One company, Elder Decisions in Lexington, Mass., has offered such mediation for four years. This year, they worked with about 25 families involved in decisions about aging parents, charging $350 an hour.

Among the company’s clients were Sarah Burrows and her five siblings.

Two years ago, the siblings couldn’t agree on whether their octogenarian parents, both suffering from dementia, should continue living at home or move to an assisted-living facility. Some of the siblings also felt unappreciated, which clouded their decision-making.

Burrows sometimes thought she didn’t get enough credit for sorting out her parents’ chaotic finances or looking at 20 care facilities, she said. One of her sisters felt stranded with the household responsibilities, including the bathing and personal care of her parents.

The siblings met for mediation — one brother in Israel participated by speaker phone — and found common ground.

“We really wanted to keep my parents together,” Burrows said.

The family decided to hire caregivers so their parents could remain in their home. And the siblings listened more carefully, increasing their understanding, in Burrows’ case, of how she didn’t feel up to helping with her parents’ physical needs because she had just finished getting her own children out of diapers.

“The act of coming together was a kind of a bonding experience,” Burrows said. “We realized we really could work through a lot of decisions and challenges.”

They did it for their parents.

“Our parents raised us. They did the best they could,” she said. “We owe them.”

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