An open letter to Ben Stiller

When kids happen to funny people
Some wags might be tempted to attribute your career implosion to bad management or drugs or Scientology, but the real culprit is much, much more sinister. Here’s a hint: “Madagascar.”

You see, something else happened in 2002, the year your movies went south so drastically: Little Ella Olivia, your first child, was born. Coincidence? I think not. And you didn't stop there; No. 2, Quinlan Dempsey, came along in '05. Yes, I blame the children — it’s a well-substantiated, scientifically tested theory that having kids drains the talents of great comedians, leaving them hollow and laugh-deficient, capable of and interested in only fart jokes and the occasional animated movie.

The once-hilarious Eddie Murphy went through exactly the same decline, starring in his first major bomb, “Harlem Nights,” the year his first kid appeared on the scene.

Whether it’s caused by a hormonal shift that kills any sense of The Funny or springs from a desire to create movies that please the young spawn, the trend is career-fatal.

Oh, I kept up hope for a while. I tried to make things work between us, scrabbling pathetically for every meager comedic crumb you threw my way and laughing too loudly at gags unworthy of even a Will Ferrell or a Jack Black. I was so desperate to have the old you back, the quirky, indie you, the you that could appear on-screen with Alan Alda and Lily Tomlin and hold his own. But that you is gone, and I’m done.

So here we are, Ben, you and I. I’ll always treasure the time we spent together. Well, part of it. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime.

Patrick Enright is a freelance writer and editor whose work has appeared in MSNBC.com, Mr. Showbiz, Wall of Sound, Movies.com and Seattle Weekly.

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