5-minute musicals: Fake your way to expertise

Classic musicals starring very old (and sometimes dead) people

“The Sound of Music”
Go with “Do Re Mi.” Julie Andrews teaches those kids the cutest Nazi-survival skills ever. Well, that and how to flee in the night. But it starts with the singing.

“Oliver!”
The “Who Will Buy” bit when everyone dances in the street for some flowers. It would be the last time anyone but Roger Daltrey fans enjoyed a movie musical for about 10 years.

“South Pacific”
Mitzi Gaynor and a dubbed Rossano Brazzi dueting on “Some Enchanted Evening” will help you understand why everyone in the 1950s needed the 1960s to happen very soon.

“Funny Girl”
All the Barbra Streisand you ever really need in your life is contained in the moment when she sings “Don’t Rain on My Parade.” You will understand everything you need to know about drag queens in three minutes. Extra credit: The final number in her “rock” version of “A Star is Born” when she dances like a chicken. It’s pretty incredible.

“Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”
I hate all that “Candle in The Wind” boo-hooing about Marilyn Monroe. Why not remember her for “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend”? It distills her beauty, her singing talent, her brains and her sense of humor in one homerun. It’s also another example of how Madonna stole every single thing she built her own career on.

“Oklahoma”
The part where they all sing “Oklahoma.” When you go to the real Oklahoma (and I have) and see what they’ve got going on there (not much) it makes you wish people there would just do that all the time instead. Because otherwise it’s just a lot of tornadoes.

“Seven Brides For Seven Brothers”
Yes, it’s about kidnapping women and turning them into domestic and sexual slaves. But no one’s too upset about it for some reason. Again, the 1950s, it was a weird time. But the barn-raising sequence is spectacular and will make you forget that the rest of the movie is about hillbilly marriage being a contract involving human property.

“The Bandwagon”
“Dancing in The Dark” is the part that film geeks will talk about because it’s Fred Astaire and Cyd Charisse and they dance and it’s all so elegant and beautiful and blah blah blah. But the weirdest sequence is “Triplets” where Astaire, Nanette Fabray and Jack Buchanan wear baby bonnets and point guns at each other, then sing about murdering the other two. You know which one you need to see most.

“Top Hat”
If you experience “Cheek to Cheek” then you can pretend you’ve seen all the other moments when Ginger Rogers dances with Astaire. They did it in like 37 movies, trying to help people in the 1930s forget they were starving to death.

“On the Town,” “An American in Paris” and “Singin’ In The Rain”
Gene Kelly’s top three are all about beginnings and endings. The opening lusty sailor number from “On The Town” and the final fantasy sequences of both “American” and “Singin’” are a crash course in a very rare commodity: movie-musical masculinity. You can draw an easy line from Gene Kelly right to Jackie Chan and do it without smirking.

Judy Garland is her own category

“The Wizard of Oz”
You want to cry? She sings “Over The Rainbow,” you cry. It’s a law of physics.

“Meet Me In St. Louis”
You want to cry some more? She sings “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” you cry. It’s a corollary to that other law of physics.

“Summer Stock”
She was living in the valley of the dolls when they made this one. In the middle of production she got sent off to dry out. She shows up again at the end of the movie, skinnier and ready to kick butt. That’s when she sings “C’mon Get Happy,” the only part you need to watch. And just like Marilyn Monroe, this is how you should think of her, not dying too young of an overdose.

“A Star Is Born”
This movie demands you check out her after-hours rendition of “The Man That Got Away.” It’s kind of like watching a doctor perform surgery on himself. You know he’s good but you freak out a little that he’s turning himself inside out for you. In fact, when the “Dreamgirls” guy talks about Hudson, forget the “Chicago” references. Ask him how that showstopper stacks up to this one.

Dave White is the film critic for Movies.com and the author of “Exile in Guyville.” Find more of him at www.imdavewhite.com.

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