Strategies for handling a stress-filled life

Beth Rothenberg Professional Certified Coach • E-mail

As part of our Stressed Out! series, we asked readers to tell us what situations in their lives cause them the most stress. Then we took some of those questions to Beth Rothenberg, a life coach in Los Angeles. Below she weighs in with ways to cope.

WHERE'S THE FINISH LINE?
Q: I have so many home, child, work, self and husband responsibilities that I constantly feel like I'm behind, behind, behind. It's stressful always trying to catch up. It's like I'm running a race I can never win and there is no finish line. I don't blow up at work, but it seems like I'm always angry at home. What advice can you give me?

A: You're right, there's no finish line. And the solution isn't to figure out how to do it all, it's to figure out what to eliminate. Less is more! Are there responsibilities that your husband or kids could help with? Non-essential duties or volunteer activities that can be dropped? Can you afford to hire someone to clean your house or help with the laundry? Are there social commitments you'd like to cancel? Family members who intrude on your time, calling during dinner or while you're putting the kids to bed, for instance? Learn to set boundaries for the people in your life who create stress and anger and drain your energy. Learn to say "no" more often. Don't accept being overwhelmed. It's important that you take care of yourself — important for you and for the happiness and well-being of your family. You don't want them to bear the brunt of your anger. So make it a priority to take "me time" to get extra sleep, exercise and do things that you enjoy. I tell clients to create a "dessert menu" of all the little things that make them happy — maybe it's cooking, reading a book, soaking in the tub, making pottery, calling a girlfriend or getting a pedicure — and then indulge in one activity each day.

MONEY WOES
Q: Bills, bills, bills! When they start to pile up during the holidays I stress OUT.  What should I do?

A: I'm a big fan of living below your income, not to it. What is the exact amount of money that you could spend that would not stress you out? Determine that amount and stick to it. Even make it a game and be really creative in how you can stretch a dollar. Keep in mind that one of the best gifts we can give to the special people in our lives is our time with just them, to do something you both love doing together. Think fun and way out of the box on this one, from the kids to that older special person on your list. People need to be hugged and listened to. Here's an amazing gift that's practically free: Take out some notepaper and write down your ideas. Then wrap it up, present it with a pretty bow and after the recipient opens in, decide on what you'd both like to do. For everything else holiday related, keep it simple, cheap and full of heart.

NO JOB SECURITY
Q: I don't know if the company I work for will be in business much longer. I have been looking for another job but have been unsuccessful for about two to three years now. I own a home and have a family, I don't know what I would do if I lost my job. What can I do to deal with this situation?

A: Not knowing is a big stressor. You feel like you don't have options, but you do; you just might not like what you think are your only options. I'd suggest creating an "emergency business plan" to help you deal with the stress and figure out just what your options are. In this plan, think first about the worst-case scenario — losing your job, not having an immediate job to replace it and all the other things that could go wrong as a consequence. What can you do now in case that happens and what would you do if it actually did happen?

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For now, you could continue to look for other jobs, put together a list of contact you can network with, think about whether there are continuing education classes or other training that would improve your marketability. If you lost your job, think about what you would do if you couldn't find another job in the same field. What else could you do? What have you always thought you might want to do? This could be a wonderful opportunity, not a loss. Would you move? Once you've made your emergency business plan with all kinds of creative possibilities (ask for input and insights from others close to you), you'll feel like you're in control of your life and your stress will go way down. Coping is believing that you can manage what is stressing you. You are going to survive no matter what.

NOT REACHING GOALS
Q: I'm disappointed with where I am with the goals I set. I had goals for five years and 10 years, and although my professional goals are right on target, my financial security is not. I'm a nurse and I stress about working until I'm 70, which at this point is more reality than nonsense. I'm not enjoying my life. I detest the constant pressure to survive and force through huge roadblocks. Whatever happened to happily ever after? Is that just a fairy tale?

A: It's not just a fairy tale if you redefine happiness. Don't wait until you're 70 and retired for the happily ever after to start. You have to find what gives you happiness every day. If you don't pick the grapes, they dry on the vine. And if you don't turn the grapes into wine, you have nothing to party with! Celebrate your life all along the way. Live your life by design not default. It's important to think about your spiritual goals, which are the fuel for the happily ever after. Find what makes you truly happy in life and pursue it. Have fun! Make memories that will bring you pleasure as you get older. As for your concerns about financial security, take the bull by the horns and consult a financial planner who can help you manage your money into retirement.

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