Coolest Xmas movies you’ve never seen

You’ve seen: “A Christmas Story” (1983)
Try: “Christmas Evil”  (1980)
And if you haven’t seen “A Christmas Story” then you obviously don’t own a television. Or a pair of eyes. Or have friends. Because I think by now every single person in the world, even in countries where they don’t even celebrate Christmas, has seen “A Christmas Story.” So I want to recommend this other, similar tale of holiday toy obsession (which is sometimes also know by the title “You Better Watch Out”). It’s about a guy (Brandon Maggart) who’s so crazy for Christmas that he believes he’s Santa. And he has to deliver the toys. He has to. So he paints a sleigh on the side of his gross “Silence of The Lambs” van. And woe unto you if you get in his way. Because he’ll put your eye out.  Now, it’s not really part of the Santa-As-Murderer genre because he really is into making sure that everyone understands the true meaning of Christmas. And it turns out he really is Santa because at the end he flies off into the sky in his van. Ho ho ho. Or else.

Weird trivia: Someone involved with “E.R.” must have liked this movie too because lead actor Maggart was cast as a Santa-like patient named Stan Calaus in a 1995 episode of that show.

You’ve seen: “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” (1964)
Try: “Santa Claus” (1959)
Camp can be a dead-end road. Too many viewings of “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” becomes a study in diminishing returns. But the surreal never gets old. And this 1959 Mexican children’s movie (made briefly famous when “Mystery Science Theater 3000” got hold of it) is out of control.

Follow along: Santa lives in the clouds in a castle where he employs indentured child-servants from every land to make his toys and sing indigenous songs. A roving eyeball telescope helps him spy on the kiddies, one of whom is a tiny, impoverished child named Lupita who wants a doll so badly she might steal one rather than waste a doomed-to-failure Christmas wish on it. That’s when Santa enlists the help of Merlin the magician and he goes to battle with a somewhat gay-acting Satan to save the little girl and make Christmas come true. When he’s not busy with that Santa is also helping a rich boy win back the love of his neglectful, party-hopping parents by posing as a cocktail waiter and slipping them a Rohypnol of Heartwarmth. I am not making up one millimeter of this plot. Do yourself a favor and gather the kids around and put this one in front of their impressionable minds. You want them to grow up to be interesting, don’t you?

Dave White is the film critic for Movies.com and the author of “Exile in Guyville.” He can be found at www.imdavewhite.com.

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