It's that time of year ... to brag about our kids

Victoria Clayton • E-mail

It's that time of year again to visit with our loved ones, shop 'til we drop and, yes, watch our mailboxes fill up with Christmas letters from all the parents who have given birth to the world’s most brilliant and successful children.

The letters go something like this:

Sara, 8, has the lead in our community play, Aaron, 10, was recently voted the most gifted and talented child in school and now that Emily is 3, she's started reading. Between ferrying the kids around to school, church and extracurricular activities, Beth gave birth to our fourth child in September. He’s already beginning to crawl! Howard has been promoted to CEO of The World. We took three vacations last year to tropical paradises (see attached photos). We are truly blessed, and may God Bless You.

While many families send Christmas newsletters as an easy, friendly and convenient way to keep in touch with a large number of acquaintances, recipients don’t always interpret every message as spreading holiday cheer.

"One year I received a letter from someone who said his child was in the GATE program in school and then he spelled out in parentheses what that stood for so we'd all understand his kid was Gifted and Talented," says Ted Pack, a Modesto, Calif., computer programmer and father of three.

Fed up with all the over-the-top bragging, Pack, who has been writing Christmas newsletters of his own for more than 30 years, started a Web site with tips on how to write tactful, entertaining holiday letters.

We won't mention that DUI
"I strongly discourage bragging because I think everyone, me included, hates the bragging newsletters," he says. "But I also understand it. If one child get the lead in the play and another gets a DUI and 200 hours of community service, which are you going to write about?"

However tempting it is to brag (a.k.a. "highlight the positive"), though, boastful Christmas letters usually do nothing but contribute to the already overflowing pot of destructive "social comparison" that is rampant among parents, says psychologist David Elkind, a professor of child development at Tufts University in Boston.

"Comparing kids starts at age 2 and never seems to end," he says. "Parents compare when their kids talk. They compare sports, grades, schools and on and on. We're a very individualistic, competitive society."

Elkind says many parents buy into the competitiveness so much that they push kids too hard, especially with early academic programs. Being an early reader or mastering the alphabet or numbers becomes material to brag about at the playground, birthday parties or in the Christmas letter.

"Most of the letters are written for the person sending them, not the recipient," says Elkind. "They make the sender feel good about their children, family and themselves."

Not everyone views this as a bad thing, however.

"I started sending Christmas letters four years ago when I got remarried and had a new baby," says Kathryn Alice, a love and relationships guru in Venice, Calif., who conducts dating seminars around the country. "We have a blended family and I started doing it as a way to present ourselves as a family to the world. I think of it just like a family portrait. Our kids love it."

Alice, who is now the mother of four boys ranging in age from newborn to 17, concedes that she would never focus on the year's negative experiences but she also doesn't feel that letting readers in on her family's achievements and travels is exactly bragging — or taking anything away from anyone else.

MORE FROM KIDS AND PARENTING

Kids and parenting Section Front

Coming of age in the years of living dangerously   Survival tales: Readers share hazards of youth   Jackson kids face hurdles coping with his death 400,000 cribs recalled after 8-month-old dies Many teens believe they’ll die young Newsweek: Summer camp enrollment declines Heavy kids at higher risk for asthma Cheerleading still most dangerous sport Teens who move a lot have twice suicide risk Missouri boy, 3, leaves hospital after 2 years Kids and parenting Section Front   Add Kids and parenting headlines to your news reader: