Give thanks if you never hear these songs again

“POPOZAO” – I have to admit a reluctance to include this cut from Kevin Federline’s album, “Playing With Fire,” on this list because let’s face it, the guy has enough problems lately. But Internet opinion seems to be almost universal that “Popozao” is right down there with the absolute worst music ever created by humans, and among the worst by apes. It’s reputedly in the hip-hop genre, although it also qualifies in the “construction noise” category and the “coyotes let loose in the exotic bird sanctuary” genre. The divorce rate in this country is unfortunate; about 50 percent of marriages end up on the rocks. However, there is a silver lining. In some cases, like the one involving Britney Spears and K-Fed, a split probably means it’s unlikely he’ll release any more songs like this.

“WE BUILT THIS CITY” – This is not only a putrid song, it’s an obnoxious one. It came out in the ’80s at a time when rock ’n’ roll was dying from corporate excess. So naturally Jefferson Starship felt the need to milk the last drops of integrity out of a once proud form of music in the pursuit of a buck, but it did so by making it appear as though it was celebrating a proud tradition. “We Built This City” sounds slick, overproduced, manufactured and manipulative, without an ounce of heart or passion. The lyrics were written by Bernie Taupin, Elton John’s longtime songwriting partner. The really sad part is that Grace Slick, vocalist for the original Jefferson Airplane and one of the queens of the ’60s acid rock movement, really sells out here. Music like this should be piped into the solitary confinement wing at Guantanamo Bay.

“WHO LET THE DOGS OUT” – Released in 2000, this paean to horny males by the Baha Men contains the lyrics, “Who let the dogs out, woof, woof, woof, woof,” which indicates immediately that we’re not treading in Gershwin territory here. It only reached No. 40 in the U.S. but climbed to No. 2 in the UK, yet another indication that it was a really good idea to break away from that country. Kids and sports fans really responded to this song, as well as others with short attention spans and underdeveloped minds. It has been played often in sports stadiums and arenas as well as in movies. When the New York Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez was with the Seattle Mariners, he requested this song to be played when he was being introduced. That might explain why the Mariners didn’t make much of an effort to keep him.

“I WRITE THE SONGS” – But sometimes we wish he didn’t. In this case, it was written by Bruce Johnston, who became a member of the Beach Boys after an ill Brian Wilson refused to tour. Generally speaking, Manilow’s music is ideal for preventing old ladies from slipping into comas, but not much else. However, “I Write The Songs” belongs in a special category of sensory assault. To his credit, Manilow initially didn’t want to record this because he was afraid it would make him look like an egomaniac for bragging that he writes the songs. He was talked into it by music industry exec Clive Davis, and it went on to become a No. 1 hit in 1975 and won a Grammy for Best Song of the Year. Over the years, it has been included on many “10 worst” lists. In retrospect, he should have called it, “Usually I Write The Songs But I Won’t Take Credit For This One.”

“FERNANDO” – I’m still not convinced that the members of ABBA are real people. They sound to me like Swedish fem-bots. Even the two guys. “Fernando” was a huge success in Australia and all over Europe, and reached No. 13 in the U.S. in 1976. ABBA member Bjorn Ulvaeus said that he once heard the name “Fernando” and built a fictional story around it about two men sitting on a porch reminiscing about a war they fought in in Mexico: “Now we’re old and gray, Fernando; since many years I haven’t seen a rifle in your hand. Can you hear the drums Fernando?” You’ll notice Fernando himself doesn’t say anything in reply. He probably can’t believe the lyrics.

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