Marriage tips for the new Mrs. Cruise

Review emergency procedures (and program your cell phone accordingly). Above all, Tom is a Good Samaritan. Why just recently, you both stopped on the road to aid at the scene of an accident. In 1998, Tom stopped a mugging. And in 1996 he rescued a family at sea. So remember, when danger strikes: 1. Dial 911. 2. Attempt CPR. 3. Text publicist.

Learn how to entertain. As a new wife, you’re bound to meet many new faces – ex-wives, Tom’s adopted children, and a whole bevy of C-list sitcom Scientologists such as Leah Remini, Kirstie Alley and Jenna Elfman, for whom Tom’s chartered a private flight to attend your wedding in Italy. And as with your wedding, never ever under any circumstances invite Oprah. Tom should always be the most famous person in the room.

Forget about marriage counseling. Psychology is, as Tom told Matt Lauer, a “Nazi science.” Just like with your new best friend Brooke’s post-partum depression, there’s nothing wrong with your marriage that vitamins and exercise can’t fix.

Remember, you’re Kate Cruise now. We hear that unlike his previous wives, you may take Tom’s last name. We understand that after you and Tom hooked up, you quickly canned your manager, agents and publicist. You also dropped out of the career-making Edie Sedgwick bio-pic “Factory Girl,” allegedly because Tom disapproved of the sordid material, that your nude scene in “Thank You For Smoking” was cut for the same reason, and you even turned down an Oscar nomination for that same role. Further, despite your talent and previously prodigious career, you have no projects in the works. But Katie – er – Kate, it’s okay to keep acting. Hey, Tom’s production company might get you a little something. Women need a hobby – just as long it doesn’t cross into career territory. You don’t want to end up like that poor Nicole Kidman, dumped via press release while filming “Moulin Rouge.”

And most importantly, don’t make a sex tape. Tom might find it.

MSNBC contributor Helen A.S. Popkin is just jealous.

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