Joey’s enthusiasm is not enough on ‘Dancing’

The filler threatens to bend the time-space continuum
This took us to 8:37 p.m., leaving the show 23 minutes to fill, no more performances, and exactly one thing of interest to announce: which guy was going home. Thus began a parade of padding impressive even for this often bloated program.

First, a lengthy list of celebrities (Rachael Ray, Jimmy Kimmel) and people who are famous for talking about celebrities (hosts from “Access Hollywood” and “Extra”) offered their opinions about why the show is a phenomenon. That’s right: people who frequently talk about the show talked about why people talk about the show. And they did it on the show, meaning that they could presumably later cover the show, including their own appearances on it, possibly including comments on their own comments about themselves commenting on the show. This seems like a dangerous game, in which one might accidentally bend time and space.

In fairness, Ray’s typically nonsensical ramblings about how she’d love to discuss the show with her dog were at least noteworthy, while Kimmel scored twice: once by saying that if he had been told a few years ago that Jerry Springer would one day be ballroom dancing on television, he’d have left the planet on a spaceship; and once by admitting to having had crushes on both Mario and Joey since he was “a little girl.”

Still, the very idea of a segment in which a show discusses the phenomenon that is itself seems ill-conceived. The parade of scandals and gossip (Maks and Willa! Mario and Karina! Poor Sara Evans! Shanna Moakler fights Paris Hilton!) was similarly unnecessary, but 23 minutes are 23 minutes, and options are limited.

Now, with miles to go before there could be an announcement, the three finalists were examined in turn. Everyone talked about everyone else. What does Mario think of Joey? What does Emmitt think of Mario? What does Cheryl think of Emmitt? What does Karina think of Mario? How many times can we see the same clips? These segments tend to be endless and devoid of content, and this one was as well.

Finally — finally — after another set of commercials, it was time to announce who was going home. Mario and Karina were informed that they were safe, leaving Joey and Emmitt and their partners to sweat. Tom promptly announced, in a tone that seemed perhaps a little too mournful for the occasion, that Joey and Edyta would be going home. Joey took it well, most likely less than surprised, and he and Edyta graciously went over for their final chat. Joey spoke of his great affection for Edyta, reminded us that he would be “rocking it out” on the tour, and exited stage left.

This, of course, leaves Mario and Emmitt in next week’s finale. The football player and the scandalous Romeo, facing off, the way nature intended. Raw talent has to be said to favor Mario, but personality gives an edge to Emmitt. Prediction: the judges expand the scoring range so they can give every dance three scores of “Ten and a half!” and it all comes down to the audience vote. This will be the first opportunity to see which of these two guys has more fans, and it certainly seems like it could be a tight race. Brace yourself for the recount.

Linda Holmes is a writer in Bloomington, Minn.

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