Revenge films top new UA development list

“LOSIN’ IT ON ‘TODAY’” — The movie opens with Tom jousting with Matt Lauer on the “Today” show over antidepressants and psychiatry. Suddenly the lights go out. When they come back on, Lauer is tied to a chair and Tom is hosting the show. It’s a little like Martin Scorsese’s “The King of Comedy,” only with Ann Curry instead of Sandra Bernhard. After enduring Lauer’s grilling, Tom gets his revenge by subjecting Matt to a harrowing series of “Today” segments, including one on holiday gifts for the savvy traveler, a revealing interview with Howie Mandel and a heartwarming piece by Curry about homeless lepers. Spoiler alert: In a twist, this will be one picture in which Tom’s character meets a horrible fate:  He’s hired to replace Katie Couric and given the task of goosing ratings for “The CBS Evening News.”

“THE FIRST WIVES CLUB II” — Generally speaking, Tom has had good relationships with ex-wives Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman, at least publicly. So a little dramatic license would have to be applied. In this project, Rogers, Kidman and Tom’s former girlfriend Penelope Cruz team up and plot to take Tom’s money. That, of course, will be easier said than done, since much of it is locked inside the Celebrity Centre at the Church of Scientology. So the girls enlist the help of George Clooney, Brad Pitt and the rest of the “Ocean’s Eleven” gang, since they have experience at robbing enormous sums of cash from seemingly impenetrable fortresses. But stealing from Las Vegas casinos protected by state-of-the-art alarm systems and heavily armed commandos is a snap compared to ripping off celebrity dough from brainwashed religious zealots. At its core, this is still a revenge movie, even if Tom is on the wrong end of it.

“9 TO 5 AGAIN” — The original plotline of the 1980 film starring Dolly Parton, Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin involved three female office employees plotting revenge against a sexist, egotistical bully of a boss. In this remake, the part made famous by Dabney Coleman will be revamped to resemble Redstone. This time Tom will only produce and not act. Katie Holmes will take over the Fonda role, with Tara Reid standing in for Parton and Lindsay Lohan reprising Tomlin’s part. Donald Trump has the imperious attitude and the sleeping-muskrat coiffure to pull off Redstone. There will have to be some suspension of belief that someone Redstone’s age still cares about groping women, or that Trump as an actor playing Redstone cares about getting his hands on anything besides money and real estate. But that’s where the magic of movies comes in.

“PAPARAZZI” — This film was released two years ago. But doing it again wouldn’t be considered a remake, since it appeared in theaters for about 15 minutes and on DVD shelves in even less time. The story is about an actor who gets disgusted with the extent to which tabloid photographers go to photograph him and his loved ones, so he decides to strike back at them. This also will require a suspension of belief, because everybody knows that since Vanity Fair got the scoop on the Suri photos, every sleazebag with a camera has been busy chasing Brangelina all over the world. But the idea of Tom going after photographers with a gun is appetizing, especially if he clears a path outside so I can make my way to my regular table at The Ivy.

Mike Ventre lives in Los Angeles and is a regular contributor to MSNBC.com.

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