Talking-animal movies are ruining my life

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December movies
James Cameron’s spectacle “Avatar” hits theaters, along with George Clooney, who is “Up in the Air,” and Robert Downey Jr. as “Sherlock Holmes.”

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Famous people need not apply
Here’s another thing you might think about: no one really cares if Tim Allen or Julia Roberts is a voice in your crappy movie. Kids don’t. They don’t even know who Julia Roberts is. It’s nothing more than a guessing game for media-savvy parents to play (“Okay, yeah the skunk is Wanda Sykes, but which rabbit is Steve Zahn?”).

To this day I couldn’t tell you who voiced Thumper, but I know that little bunny well. Meanwhile, I don’t remember a single thing about any of the animals in “Chicken Little” except that Chicken Little’s pig friend was kind of Gay Vague.

You’ve set off on the dumbest road trip ever, one where really expensive horses are drawing carts with no wheels. And yes, I think Steve Carell made a great squirrel’s voice in “Over the Hedge.” But could another actor have done that rodent justice? Yes. And why? Because it was a memorably scripted character — the only one in the entire movie.

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Nix the cheesy tunes
There’s more: I don’t care that Counting Crows don’t get radio airplay anymore. Quit making them a party to the evil practice of dropping a pop song into the soundtrack every five minutes because executives thought the script’s weak emotional cues needed more punch.

Hire writers you trust and let them write. Kick the marketing degree-waving suits out of the creative process. Wait until the movie’s an actual hit before you plaster the little fuzzy creatures’ faces over every single product on the shelf at Wal-Mart and then make commercials where they shill for lawnmowers and Pringles. If I’m tired of looking at their blank, poorly designed snouts before the movie even opens, that isn’t good for business is it?

And finally, if all else fails — and it has — just hire Japan’s answer to Walt Disney, Hayao Miyazaki, to shepherd the next one through. He’s a genius and you all could learn something from him. But let the man work in peace. I’m begging you.

Dave White is the author of “Exile in Guyville” and the film critic for Movies.com. Find him at www.imdavewhite.com

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