And I say, “No. In fact, I quit. Tell them I quit.” He goes, “Don’t be an idiot. If you don’t take her, you’re not going to have a show.” I say, “I don’t have a show with her. I’m an idiot if I do this because I’m killing the whole thing if I cast So-and-So. And I already have a blonde—Doris Roberts.” He says, “Well, why don’t you let So-and-So read for you?” I say, “You’re right. Yes.” Listen, I would love to be wrong and then have a show, right? I tell my agent to please have her come in. But...she won’t read. Why? Because she’s So-and-So. I say, “Will she meet with me?” My agent calls her people. They say yes. So I meet with So-and-So. It’s the morning I’m going to bring my three actress choices into the network. The way this works is you bring them in one at a time, and they all audition for the same part, and then they leave the room. And what they told me was going to happen was, Les Moonves would then stand up and say, “What about So-and-So?” And if you don’t say, “I’m going to cast her,” you’re dead. Okay?

So I’m very nervous this morning. It’s the morning I have to meet with So-and-So, and that afternoon I have to go to the network with my three actresses. By the way, Patty Heaton is not one of them. I hadn’t found her yet. I didn’t even know she existed yet. But I did have three decent choices, certainly better for the role than So-and-So.

So I meet with So-and-So, and she’s very nice. Lovely, pretty. And during the meeting I kind of talk her into reading. And she reads for me...and she’s ten times worse than I thought she would be for this part. So now I’m crying, because this is the day I lose my show because I cannot do it. I cannot. We go to the CBS offices, I have a bowling ball in my stomach, my three actresses read, they leave, and Les Moonves, right on cue, stands up and goes, “What about So-and-So?”

I say, “I love her. I think she’s great. I’ve loved her in everything she’s done. And I met with her today, and she’s beautiful and charming, and I fell in love with her. I wanted to marry her. But then she read for me, and I have to tell you, it’s just not what I wrote. You know? I don’t really buy them as a couple. Could she do it?...Maybe. But I also think, maybe, we could do better.” And Les Moonves shrugs and says, “It was just an idea.”

I learned a big lesson that day. First of all, what do you think really happened at CBS when the So-and-So idea first came up? Probably what happened was, there was a meeting, and Les Moonves has many, many meetings about many, many things, and the casting of this little sitcom with no stars in it comes up, and he says, “What about So-and-So for the wife?” And Mr. Network Guy thinks, I’ll be the one to get him So-and-So and I’ll tell him I was the one and then I’ll be getting a promotion....Instead, he was fired two weeks later. I learned that just because they tell you, “The boss wants So-and So,” there might be other agendas. And also, I was somewhat diplomatic and deferential to the king, which it’s always good to be. A week later, Patty Heaton walked into our office, was perfect, met every quality I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter and then some, and was cast. That simple. When it’s right, it’s right, and now we could go film a show.

Excerpted from “You’re Lucky You’re Funny” by Phil Rosenthal Copyright © 2006 by Buona Sera Productions, Inc. Excerpted by permission of Viking, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

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