Just call Madonna the recycled-Material Girl

In the new millennium, the hottest way for celebrities to stay on top of the headlines — and, oh yeah, bring attention to the African AIDS crisis — is to visit orphanages in third-world countries. Maybe Madonna finally figured this out around the time the whole crucifixion nonsense started fading from print. The big controversy now is whether or not she originally intended on taking home a souvenir orphan from one of the towns she’s currently touring in Malawi, one of the poorest countries in the world. Along with rampant disease and hunger, Malawi is said to have estimated 1 million children who have lost their parents to AIDS.

The Malawi government reportedly contends that Madonna originally sought to adopt a girl — no wait — a boy, definitely a boy — wait – um, maybe she’ll just take Malawi’s card and think about it.

According to one report, a little girl named Mpheso Ngulube was interviewed by a group of official-looking white men who told her she would go to live in England and hang with another girl with a name like “Lodess.” But according to Madonna’s spokeswoman, Liz Rosenberg, Madonna’s there just being private, humanitarian, and setting up orphanages in the impoverished nation. “She’s kind of adopting an entire country of children,” said Rosenberg.

Indeed, Madonna, who recently distributed free copies of her children’s book “The English Roses” to local orphans, has pledged $3 million to help these same kids as part of her spearheaded by the Raising Malawi charity.

Considering Madonna’s “Confessions” tour riches, that’s pretty much change dug from her couch. Still, the unjaded among us might say that any money for these kids is good money, give poor Madge a break. Of course, there’s one catch — the project to set up an orphan center to care for as many as 4,000 children will be based on Kabbalah. Those poor orphaned kiddies will now learn the spiritual benefits of wearing red strings around their wrists and drinking magic Kabbalah water (at least there’s no dysentery).

Meanwhile, Madonna, her husband Guy Ritchie, and kids Lourdes and Rocco are currently housed at a reportedly opulent guest lodge, cruising the impoverished countryside in shiny all-terrain vehicles. And despite her spokewoman’s insistence that this is a private mission, we certainly all know she’s there and pretty much every move she makes.

Too bad Audrey Hepburn didn’t have Madonna’s game. She spent years working for UNICEF, but unfortunately never figured out how to make it all about her.

Helen A.S. Popkin is a writer in New York City.

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