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How do I know where this relationship is heading?
I’ve been seeing a guy for about three weeks, and I feel like it’s going to be pretty serious. After the first two dates, we’ve been seeing each other a lot. Last week, we got together twice during the week and twice on the weekend. I’d like to talk about where this is headed, but I don’t want to scare him away. I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page about where we are, whether we’re seeing other people, and where this might go. What’s he thinking?
He’s thinking that, three weeks into dating, he doesn’t want to have this conversation. To him, that’s a relationship birth announcement. Today, we welcome the birth of a beautiful committed couple, weighing in at eight dates, two movies, and six orgasms (five for him, one for her): It’s Bob and Cindy! Congratulations! It’s too formal, too official, too planned. And that formality serves as the fire extinguisher to the initial spark he’s been feeling. “The only thing worse than a woman who doesn’t show any interest after a few dates is a woman who shows too much,” says Anthony, 25. Terry, 32, adds: “Slow down. Please don’t tell us that you love us after three weeks.” Think of it this way. You know how you don’t like when he skips the foreplay and goes right to the sex? When you talk about the status of a relationship too early, it’s like skipping the foreplay of pursuit and going right to the private parts of commitment. If he’s seeing you four times a week, then it’s a good sign that your relationship is headed in the right direction. Just let him have some fun — and some mystery — while he’s getting there.
How do I know when it’s time to tell him my feelings?
I’ve been seeing a man for only two months. Perfect guy. He’s funny, has a great job, I love hanging out with him. We even took this great weekend vacation together and everything seemed to click. I just have this feeling that this is going to work, and I’m pretty sure he feels the same way. I don’t want to blow it, and while I obviously don’t want to pretend to be somebody that I’m not, I also don’t want to do anything that could jeopardize the relationship. Any hints for how to take things from here?
Two months may seem like a blip on the relationship radar, but for some guys, that qualifies as a full-fledged era. At this point, men certainly want some honesty. “If she is more open with me, I’ll be more open with her, especially at the beginning when you’re both feeling each other out, emotionally,” says Warren, 33. But that comes with a caution. Feel free to be honest about your feelings, but don’t make assumptions about his. Don’t use the word us. At this stage, you’ll solidify your primo status if you talk about what you like about him, what you get out of a relationship with him, what turns you on about him. Us scares him; him excites him. (Yes, we’re our own favorite subject, but that’s just human nature.) It’s a way of saying you love the relationship while giving him the ego-boosting rush he craves — all without making him think you’re brushing up on the four Cs of diamond shopping. At this still-early stage, that’s a secret to tip-toeing between giving him permission to love and giving him a reason to leave.
Should I give him an ultimatum?
My live-in boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about a year and a half, living together for somewhere around six months. I’m 31 and my family is giving me a hard time — like I should just go ahead and move on if he’s not going to be the one because I’m wasting time. My best friend even says to me that there’s no way he’s going to marry me because he’s getting all the sex of a nonmarried relation-ship without the commitment. I’ve debated a lot about giving him an ultimatum or a deadline, but something tells me that’s a bad idea. How will I know if he’s ever going to be ready to make the next step?
You may think that men are afraid of the marriage commitment because we want to leave options open, because we’re waiting for something better, or because we fear it’ll be the official end of hot-tub sex. Jay, 30, says a man’s hesitation isn’t about indifference; it’s actually the opposite. “Men are just as unsure about the relationship thing as women,” he says. “I’m getting married in a couple months to a woman I love deeply, who I know will be a fantastic wife and mother to my future children. Is she my soul mate? Tough question, but if not, she’s pretty darn close.” When we decide we want to be married, we want to do the right thing — for both of us. So should you give him an ultimatum? I don’t think so. If you’ve been honest with him about your feelings for him — for him, not for “the relationship” — then you’re probably at the point in your relationship where you should be able to ask him straight up about his feelings for you. If he can’t tell you what he thinks and what he feels, well, that’s probably your answer.
Masculinity Mastered: What You Now Know about Men
- If you want to talk about the long-term possibilities of your relationship, there’s such a thing as premature enunciation. Don’t be too clear, too early, about what you think you want from the relationship.
- We’re not scared of falling in love; we’re scared of being told that we’re falling in love. Focus on your feelings for him, not your feelings for the relationship.
- A man is more willing to make a move that shows his feelings if you do it first. If not, he’ll wait at the intersection for a very long time before it turns green.
Excerpted from “Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User’s Guide for Women,” by David Zinczenko. Copyright © 2006, David Zinczenko. All rights reserved. Published by Rodale Inc. No part of this excerpt can be used without permission of the publisher.
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