Do men want hot mamas or the girl next door?

Men want many of the same things women do: freedom, intimacy, good friends and comfortable shoes. But what kind of women are men looking for? A hot mama or someone to take home to mama? David Zinczenko, editor-in-chief of Men’s Health magazine and author of “Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User’s Guide for Women,” was invited on “Today” to talk about what he found out while researching his book. Read an excerpt:

Chapter 1
What Makes a Man Fall in Love?

Why we can’t let love in until you’ve shown us the way — and the simple words that can unleash our deepest affections.

Question: Guys, do you believe you’ve met your soul mate?

• Yes, I’m with her right now: 53 percent
• Yes, but we’re no longer together: 14 percent
• Yes, but we were never together as a couple: 9 percent
• No: 24 percent

NBC VIDEO What kind of women are men looking for? Sept. 15: The "Today" show's Al Roker talks with David Zinczenko, author of "Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User's Guide for Women," and Kate White, editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, about what men look for in a mate. Today Relationship

Think of a great relationship as though it were a great meal: A delicious, meaty steak of sexual passion accompanied by a fine, delicate wine of romance and commitment. Both of us want it all — the perfect, satisfying course. And we need both — steak by itself is dry and unsatisfying; and wine will get you tipsy, but it won’t satisfy your hunger. Now, before the metaphor police revoke my license, let me simply push this analogy a little further: Men are a little more focused on the meat of the relationship, and women a bit more on the wine. But both sexes want to get up from the table completely satisfied.

Need evidence? More than three-fourths of men believe in soul mates (see above). And when we asked our guys to choose between meeting the love of their life or having amazing sex for six months, 92 percent chose falling in love. (The other 8 percent were probably Maxim readers.) Consider what these three men said about the experience of falling in love:

• “We need to feel love, loyalty, and chemistry above all else,” says Ian, 31.
• “Men also feel the butterflies and giddiness that women do when they’re in love,” says Robert, 26.
• “Women don’t realize most guys are in love long before they are willing to admit it to anyone,” says Drew, 30.

So why then does it always seem like women are leading the relationship toward commitment, and men need to be dragged along like a preschooler to a dentist appointment? Because in the early-on Stratego game of dating, we need to see where you’re moving first. Consider this: Less than half of men say they’re typically the first ones to say, “I love you” in a relationship, and more women than men initially broach the subject of taking the relationship to the next level.

That points to the notion that what men really want when it comes to love is your assurance — your permission, really — that it’s okay to let the butterflies out of the cage.

Michael, 37, a restaurant owner in North Carolina, says he’s cautious about expressing himself early on — not because he’s complacent or wants to play games or wants to make the woman squirm like a mouse in a cat’s mouth. He holds back because he’s waiting to get the signal that it’s okay to press the accelerator.

“I love to hear that I’m her dream come true, or some version of that, if that’s the case,” he says. “I need a little praise and attention, just as much as she needs it from me. That’s the sign I need. Then, I know I can give her what she needs.”

Chris, 29, a recently married public defender, agrees. “Men need to be told that they’re wanted,” he says. “Women forget that if they like a nice guy, that the nice guy might be too nervous to tell them what he feels.” And then he added this interesting insight: “Women need to be more open to being hurt the way guys are every day.”

Hold on a second. Guys are hurt more often than women?

Hmm. Think about it: In the romance game, it’s usually the man who makes the first move (usually after you’ve dropped him countless hints waiting for him to finally pick up on them). But in doing so, men open themselves up to more rejection than a telemarketing trainee. And believe me, even George Clooney has a psychic master list of turn-downs that he still winces over from time to time.

So once a man has crossed that first barrier — okay, you like him, it’s safe — he’s reluctant to cross the next. Like monkeys in a lab, we’ve been shocked plenty of times before, and if we’re in a safe place with you, we’re happy simply to stay there. So it’s a delicate balance — a woman needs to signal that it’s okay for him to take the next step, without making him feel as if he’s being pushed toward it. Let him know that you feel there’s something really special between you. Let him know it’s okay if he lets himself feel that, too. But proceed cautiously — there’s danger ahead, as you’ll see.

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