SpearsBaby II: The rebranding

Britney Spears likes sex. This much we know, thanks to her candor displayed on the horror that was “Chaotic.” (No, Britney, I can’t handle your truth. Not now, not ever. Lie to me, constantly and forever.)

And not just any sex; sex with Kevin Federline, a man whose name has traveled to punchline status and beyond so quickly that it’s well on its way to becoming this generation’s equivalent of “Sonny Tufts.” (Look it up. And note, while you’re doing so, that it required looking up.)

Anyway, Britney likes sex a lot but perhaps doesn’t understand the biological consequences (a lot). So here we are, a few months after her public announcement that her second pregnancy was entirely unexpected and almost one year to the day after the birth of Sean Preston, and the world has been blessed with BritSpawn No. 2, little Butterstick Kal-El Spears Federline.

Hey, Britney, in case you missed it because you spent your school days cinching up your uniform and dancing in the halls instead of sitting attentively in the Family Life classes that were probably underway on the other side of those doors, we provide a brief refresher course: sex=babies.

On the other hand, what she does seem to have picked up is that babies=publicity, as evidenced by her recent People magazine cover story, in which she complains about how exhausted she is from what has been for all intents and purposes a two-year pregnancy. And now is as good a time as ever for a new baby, though not for Britney, who gripes about how it’s, like, hard to record her new album while she’s dealing with one baby and waiting on another, y’all. Say what you want about her music, but she used to be prolific enough to release an album every year or two before Federline cabbage-patched into her life.

It’s difficult to say what will happen when (or if) Britney’s new tracks ever see the light of day. But quite simply, after Kevin, “Chaotic,” her failure to use seatbelts and the fact that last year’s remix collection “B In The Mix” wasn’t even certified gold, Britney needs all the publicity that her babying will provide her. Ironically, the actual end result (which, as another reminder for Britney, is a baby) will actually prevent her from reaping the rewards.

Slide show The Spears years Britney’s life, from Mickey Mouse to motherhood, divorce drama and more. more photos

No, the real beneficiary is none other than the scraggly wannabe who derailed her career in the first place. K. Fed fancies himself a rapper, you see, and he has the embarrassing, hilarious performance of “Lose Control” on last month’s Kid’s Choice Awards to prove it. As creepy and slack-jawed as Federline may be, as a publicity stunt, having an unplanned second baby with your legal spouse sure beats getting caught with a prostitute just prior to the release of “Nine Months” or having your amateur porn leaked to the Internet right before whatever it is that Paris Hilton ever does. (I hear she wants to be the next Iron Chef.)

The Spears-Federlines aren’t the only ones. This has been a huge year for celebrity power couples and their newborns, who are often used as Happy Meal-style promotional tie-ins for their latest projects. The following are the most notable of the living, breathing, pooping publicity stunts, starting with the most recent and hardest to outshine.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, code name “Brangelina”
Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt’s May 27 arrival may well have been the single most heralded birth in two millennia and brought Pitt’s child-acquisition total for the past year to three (he also adopted Jolie’s children Maddox and Zahara). The hysteria surrounding the couple and their youngsters was total and black-hole-level inescapable, to the point where the lack of product to tie to Shiloh became beside the point: Shiloh was the product. Witness the multi-million-dollar bidding war for photographs.

It’s all the more curious considering that Pitt hasn’t starred in enough mega-hits to fully justify his stardom and Jolie’s biggest roles were in the “Tomb Raider” movies and the nightmares of anyone who saw her and her brother at the Oscars that one time. But there it was: a media frenzy that almost defied description that happened to tie in to nothing more spectacular than the DVD release of “Mr. And Mrs. Smith.” You did remember to pick up your copy, didn’t you?

Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani, code name “Gwendale” a.k.a. “DoubtBush”
Did you know that the golden couple of '90s alt-rock had a baby this year? No, really, did you? Because thanks to the aforementioned Infangelina’s impending arrival one measly day later, the May 26 birth of son Kingston James McGregor got a clip line in the “celebrity births” column and little more. In any other year, this kid, born of famous, successful and preternaturally beautiful rock stars, would have been the power baby. In this year’s crowded playing field, he was a footnote who couldn’t even drag Institute (Rossdale’s post-Bush outfit) past 81 on the Billboard album charts or get Stefani’s “Crash” into the top 40.

MORE FROM CELEBRITIES

Celebrities Section Front

'Family Ties' mom: ‘I am a lesbian’ Four plead not guilty to celebrity burglaries Nick going on tour — minus his Jonas Brothers Polanski to begin house arrest Friday Film clip shows Marilyn Monroe smoking pot More charges possible for ‘Light’ composer Teen accused in celeb burglary to stand trial James Woods settles suit over brother’s death Judge blocks release of J.Lo home videos Access Hollywood section Celebrities Section Front   Add Celebrities headlines to your news reader: