Road to recovery

Audrey Kishline, founder and leader of moderation management maintained her high-profile position and her secret binge drinking for 5 years.  But in January of 2000 at the age of 43 she decided to come clean. 

Audrey Kishline: I finally had a moment of clarity that said, “You can’t live this lie anymore.”

She posted a message on the Internet to MM members that said: “I have made the decision recently to change my recovery goal to one of abstinence rather than moderation.”

The creator of MM was admitting defeat. She checked herself into a detox facility followed up by AA meetings, but she couldn’t play by those rules either.  It did not go unnoticed by her 10-year-old daughter.

Kishline: I would keep falling off the abstinence wagon.  Eventually, my daughter would say, “You know mom, you smell like alcohol when you kiss me goodnight.”  It just about killed me.  Just about killed me.

Murphy: So the kids knew you were sloppy?

Kishline: Yeah.

After two months of these failures Audrey, a wife and mother of two, came to another life decision.

Kishline: Finally, I decided that I couldn’t abstain anymore.  And I was going to leave the family so I could still drink. 

Murphy:  Chose drink over the family?

Kishline: I chose drink over everything!  I couldn’t imagine living without alcohol.

The car crash
It was March 25, 2000.  Audrey and her family were now living outside of Seattle. She’d been on a two day drunk forsaking her usual wine for vodka.  Then she got into her pick up truck.

Kishline: I didn’t in my right mind even think about the fact that I was drunk.  It didn’t even occur to me.  I was gonna travel all the way across the state. You know, I’m leaving the family forever.  I didn’t take my prized possession, which is my laptop. Didn’t pack a toothbrush. And I’m driving over a mountainous pass with snow, which I wouldn’t drive you know, ever before—you know, I’d have somebody else do it.  I was afraid of those mountain passes.

Murphy: But you’d set the rule about drinking and driving for yourself, yeah?

Kishline: Oh yeah. I thought I would never break that rule.  When I over-drank, I thought I would pass out on the couch like all other times.  I wouldn’t remember the end of a TV program.  I wouldn’t remember conversations I had.  But I never got in the car and drove anywhere.

Until that evening.

Kishline:  All I do remember is backing out of the driveway and having my hands on the steering wheel, just looking back to make sure there’s no traffic there and backing out of the driveway.

Murphy:  You’re in a vehicle that’s bigger than a pickup truck, yeah?

Kishline:  It’s a huge Ford 350 long bed—

Murphy:  Double sets of tires in the back—

Kishline: Huge, yeah.  Huge truck.

Murphy:  And where are you going in it?

Kishline:  I’m gonna go live with my dad.

To get to her dad’s home in Spokane, Audrey had to cross the mountains and drive more than 250 miles along interstate 90.  She drove east for about 100 miles, the vodka bottle tucked in the truck with her.  At one point Audrey began making calls on her cell phone to various family members.  They knew immediately that Audrey was in trouble and called for help.

911 Operator:  State Patrol.

Caller:  Yes, hi, um.  I would like to report uh, someone who may be on the road that’s been drinking.... I’m just concerned about everybody else out on the road if she is actually driving.

Murphy: What’s the next thing you remember?

Kishline:   Waking up in the hospital.

Murphy:  Who was at your bedside when you came to?

Kishline:  My two sisters were there.

Murphy:  And what’d they tell you?

Kishline: They were both holding my hands, you know.  And I could tell—‘cause I know my sisters—they both have the big jaw line, and I could see them clinching their—and I could see the red tired eyes.  And I said you know, “What happened?”  And they both looked at me.  And neither of ‘em could speak at first.  And I said, “Was there an accident?”  And they kind of looked, “Yes.”  You know, “Did I wreck the truck?”  “Yes, Audrey.”  “Well, was anybody hurt?”  And then they kinda looked back and forth.  I could tell that neither of ‘em wanted to tell me, you know.  “Yeah, two people died, Audrey.  Two people died.”

Two—Danny Davis and his 12-year-old daughter LaShell. Audrey was facing vehicular homicide. Prison.

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