Divining the truth about Jen and Vince

ORIGAMI FORTUNE TELLER
Ree: You know it’s called a Cootie Catcher, right?

Helen: That’s stupid. Why would it be called a Cootie Catcher when you’re not so much catching cooties as you are predicting the future?

Ree: I’m just saying that’s what they’re called. Google backs me up on this. There are 54,800 results for the phrase “Cootie Catcher” and only 406 for “Origami Fortune Teller.”

Helen: Yes, but when you typed in the search for “Origami Fortune Teller,” did Google ask, “Did you mean Cootie Catcher?” No? I rest my case.

Ree: So anyway…we made a Cootie Catcher from a standard sheet of college-ruled notebook paper, folding the four corners inward, flipping it over and folding four corners again.

Helen: On each of the outside flaps of the Origami Fortune Teller, I’ve written a color. On each of the eight inside flaps, I’ve written the name of an Aniston film flop. Ree, pick a color.

Ree: Brown — the color of Vince Vaughn’s eyes.

Helen: Now I open and close the Origami Fortune Teller one time for each letter — B-R-O-W-N. Now pick a movie.

Ree: “Along Came Polly”

Helen: A-L-O-N…blah, blah, blah. Open a flap, and the answer will be revealed.

Ree: “Ask again later.” Why did we even bother making a Cootie Catcher if you weren’t going to write in real answers? This doesn’t help at all.

Helen: Hey, I’m just trying to keep it real.

MAGIC 8 BALL 3.0
Magic 8 Ball: Outlook not so good.

Helen: I refuse to believe that! I told you it’s broken!

Ree: Gross! It’s leaking.

COIN TOSS
Ree: Here’s how this works. We’re just going to ask the question. Heads equals yes. Tails equals no. Nothing to break. Nothing to interpret. Nothing a publicist can deny.

Helen: Ready?

Ree: Flip.

Helen: Look! It landed on the Ouija Board!

Ree: I’m not going over there. You check it.

Helen: Heads it is!

Ree: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s official. We have irrefutable coin-based confirmation. The Vaughniston engagement is on!

Helen: Now let’s ask Captain Howdy how long the marriage will last.

Helen A.S. Popkin and Ree Hines would like to remind readers that dabbling in the occult is not a game and should be practiced only by professional mediums, middle-school students and entertainment journalists.

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