Will your teen be driving to school and keeping a car on campus? Be sure to run through the basics of car maintenance (and be brief — the eye-rolling begins after the first few sentences). Show how to check the air pressure in the tires (especially if the vehicle is an SUV), the oil level, and the radiator/coolant fluid level. Point out the dial or icon on the dashboard that shows whether the car is about to overheat and discuss what the child should do if that indicator moves toward the dangerous zone. Review how to deal with a flat tire (Change it? Use a fix-a-flat product? Call AAA?)

OK, next you need to discuss perhaps the hottest topic of all in terms of college prep: the budget. Rule No. 1: If your teen will be using a credit or debit card, get that established before leaving for school. And, be adamant that he or she is not to sign up for a new credit card. The charge card vultures will be lurking near favorite feeding holes on campus during the first few weeks, preying on unsuspecting freshman and offering free T-shirts, CDs and other “gifts” just  to sign up for an account. Explain to your teen that she doesn’t need an additional card to “add” to her credit history, contrary to what the card company will proclaim. There will be plenty of time later in life to do that. Teach her to live on cash and to use her checkbook whenever possible. Also, explain how to balance a checkbook and how that must be done each month in order to avoid overdrawing her account and racking up a $35 fee per bad check. Let her know that you are not going to foot the bill for bank fees that she could have avoided.

Set a budget, which is often easier said than done. Unless you’ve had an older child recently in residence at the same college by which to gauge expenses, you’ll do a lot of guessing at first. A good place to start is to purchase the school’s meal plan — at least the kid will be eating. Nutritious food is offered (if not taken advantage of) and that part of the budget will be accounted for. Also, consider funds needed for books, fees, video nights, shooting pool at the student union and pizza at midnight. Then, depending upon your child’s responsibility level and nature, decide whether she can handle being given the entire spending money for the semester at one time, or whether it should be deposited into her account on a monthly or weekly basis.

Finally, make sure that your kid has a cell phone with an updated calling plan. Be sure to check to see if it works well on the road to and from school as well as at the college — in the dorm room and on the walkways between classes. Decide whether it would be best for the cell phone’s home area to be based in your hometown, or whether it should be purchased at school, depending upon what would be more convenient for the student. Also discuss what you expect in terms of calls home per week, minutes to be used on a monthly basis or whether e-mail will be the primary communication device.

Getting to stay at college
Huh? Why would a parent want to bring up the possibility of the kid having to move back home, even before school has begun? Well, because it happens, and it happens too frequently. I believe that one of the main reasons for college failure is lack of focus on the child’s part. Kids need clear guidelines about what your expectations are, and without these being spelled out, disasters can occur. Sure, many college freshman are super-organized, focused and raring to hit the books. But just as many are immature, disorganized and ready to party. Now, not after a disastrous month or two, is the time to discuss your expectations with your child. I suggest that the following issues be covered:

• What grade point average needs to be maintained before the new student matures at the community college for a few semesters or years until he’s ready to venture out again? Keep in mind that community colleges offer excellent educations and are usually less expensive. In addition, parents can offer more guidance and supervision if the teen is not ready to “do it on their own.”
• What are your expectations about going to class and not lazing around the dorm room, sleeping in and hoping to catch the information from the roommate’s notes or via video classes?
• How about drinking or even drug usage? Underage drinking is an all-too-common and socially acceptable college practice, but underage drinking is illegal, stupid, and can quickly get out of hand. Most of my clients who fall into this pattern begin to skip classes, get behind in their studies and withdraw from courses. A frank discussion of substance use will probably meet with eye-rolling, but it can’t hurt to delve, again, into that area.
• How many credits must the student complete in the semester? Lots of freshmen register for 12 or 15 hours but drop to six or nine by the end of the semester. The expectation of the minimum number of credits completed per semester is an issue that should be addressed and agreed upon by both the parents and the student before the semester begins so that there are no ambiguities. Statistically, more college students take four and one-half to five years to complete their studies than the traditional four-year program — partly due to legitimate changes in the major area of study, but also due to too many wasted semesters when only six or nine hours of course work were actually completed.
• What should the student do if he or she finds that they are in over their head — either academically (grade or credit problems), socially (too many friends or parties), or emotionally (homesick, not enough friends, lonely)? The college counseling center is usually an excellent resource if the college student doesn’t feel comfortable talking to Mom or Dad about these issues.

Tips for college success
A few years ago Newsweek offered the following information about successful students. Share these with your student — it may be an eye-opener for all of you!

• Students who engage in extracurricular activities are the happiest students as well as the most successful in the classroom. They seem to find a way to connect their academic work to their personal lives.
• The most successful kids found “mentor professors” to work with during their tenure at school — this activity led to letters for job recommendations or future references, which become exceedingly important later in life.
• 70 to 75% of the students in the study felt that they needed more guidance on courses to take, extracurricular activities, and advice from administrators than they were receiving. Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the oil!
• Time management is key. Kids are generally horrible at it, and the study showed that studying in a long uninterrupted block of time was much more effective than studying in short bursts.

Home for visits!
OK, so the kid packs up and moves to college, generally sticks to the budget, eats at least a few meals a day, and is making the grades. So far, so good. The next hurdle concerns the inevitable evolution of the parent-child relationship now that the child has “grown up.” Well, grown up in his mind, but perhaps not in yours. Remember, Junior will have been coming and going as he pleases by the time of his first visit home, and may balk at some of the old rules, curfews or restrictions. He thinks of himself as an adult, deserving of adult privileges, and hopefully he is. In a nutshell, he probably expects to come and go as he pleases at home just as he did at the dorm. Problem is that he’s had two to three months of “adult-like freedom” and 18-plus years of being your kid. The two often clash. 

Some suggestions:

• Be realistic about curfews. To be fair, and to keep your sanity, you’re probably going to have to compromise. As long as he’s not breaking the law and is acting responsibly (not being in a car with someone who is drinking alcohol or using drugs, or noisily waking up the neighborhood at 2:00 a.m. when he does come home) you may want to consider letting him call the shots on curfew. See if it works, and if it’s within the realm of reasonable, go for it. If he’s disrupting the household or getting into trouble of course you’ll need to change the rules and lay down some stricter guidelines. 
• Be realistic about time spent with the family. Face it, he’s not coming home just to see you. Trust me, I know. Former high school buddies are important to keep in touch with, and if they’re home he’ll want to be hanging around with them as well as visiting with the family. Suggest a compromise — how about dinners with the family and one evening on the weekend spent together, and the rest of the time is his to spend with friends or just to lay around in a bedroom larger than a cracker box.
• Mind your manners. Although you may want to personally escort your student back to the dorm, or run up the street waving goodbye as he drives off to return to school, try to keep it together. If not for you, then for him. The kid doesn’t need to feel guilty about leaving home — he needs to focus upon his classes and the future that lies ahead. 

By following these guidelines, you and your teenager will be better prepared for a pleasant and successful college experience. This should be one of the most exciting, challenging, and stimulating times of his or her life. By avoiding problems such as poor grades, financial disasters or emotional meltdowns, the teen will have a much greater chance of success in this new life chapter.

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Dr. Ruth Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to TODAY. For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com. Copyright © 2006 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

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