Kids in middle school
Tweens are often shocked when they finally hit the new campus. They have to learn to deftly maneuver between their locker and classes, figure out how to socialize in the hallways but get to class on time, and how to deal with a diverse group of peers who come from many different types of families, incomes and value systems. Whether truly interested or not in the opposite sex, many middle schoolers will talk about having a boyfriend or girlfriend and desire to hang out with friends at the movies or the mall. Campus communication, therefore, often centers upon socializing, music, sports and being cool. Many kids in middle school have their first brush with the drug culture (meeting peers who smoke marijuana or use inhalants) or who are not strangers to alcohol. In addition, first-day jitters may also include concerns with:

• Who they will talk, walk and sit with between classes and in the classroom
• Whether their clothing is appropriate and cool
• Whether they will be welcome at the lunchroom table
• Where they will fit in — the preps, jocks, nerds, or the “random” group
• How they will adapt to six teachers and six classes a day
• Whether they will be able to successfully deal with a locker, remembering to bring books and folders to class
• How to deal with rough kids, those who tease or bully
• If they will get a boy- or girlfriend and how to deal with it

High schoolers
In talking with teens personally as well as professionally, I’ve found that their greatest fears continue to be social in nature. Sure, many are concerned about grades or getting along with their teachers, but as teens become more conscious of peers, fitting in versus being ostracized, and the potential of “becoming invisible” to others at school, it’s the social dilemmas that seem to pervade their thoughts as they move into the new school year.

Concerns about dealing with kids from different backgrounds, shyness, and making sports teams or clubs are worrisome to many teens as they contemplate the beginning of a new school year. Will this be the year that your son or daughter can finally relax and feel included with the group, or will it be filled with uncertainty and worry about having kids to hang around with in and outside school? In particular, those in high school are concerned with:

• Learning conversation starters so as not to appear, or to feel, awkward
• Whether clothing is the correct style
• Body image — how your daughter feels about her figure and the way she looks in her clothes, or your son compares his height and musculature to the other guys
• Hairstyle — never underestimate how a bad hair day can lead to early morning drama before leaving for school!
• Fear of harassment, teasing or bullying
• Ability to hold down a part-time job as well as to complete homework
• Getting a new start this year — will the kids remember the embarrassing moments of last year?
• Attracting an appropriate boyfriend or girlfriend
• Being the “third wheel” when their best friend begins a new romantic relationship
• Being able to move in and between different groups of friends without offending anyone

So, how can parents help their children with the first-day jitters for these older kids? Here are some suggestions to consider:

• If your child is moving up to middle or high school, they probably know at least a few kids who will be going to the new campus with them. Try to get the kids together over the summer to strengthen friendships so that they will have someone to hang out with the first week of class.
• Encourage contact between kids who may not have touched base over the summer. This can be accomplished via telephone calls, e-mails or instant messaging. It’s easy to reestablish friendships — just a few questions about “How’d you spend your summer?” often does the trick.
• Most schools have an orientation night a few days before school begins. Be sure to attend, and encourage your child to go also. He or she may see some familiar and friendly faces to buddy up with, or may be able to make some new acquaintances that can be strengthened if they find themselves together in class or in the cafeteria.
• Encourage the kids to plan to eat lunch together the first day or two of school, or to meet a few minutes early at the lockers. Comparing schedules and having someone to walk with to the next class or lunch comes in handy, and helps to relieve first-day jitters.
• Also encourage your child to be friendly to new kids — that not only helps to ease their own anxieties, but it broadens your youngster’s social horizons, and they may find that the new friends are just as compatible, dependable and fun as are their old buddies.
• Hold off on some school clothing purchases. After seeing what the other kids are wearing the first week or two, it’s nice to be able to pick up a few new outfits after school begins.
• Listen to your child’s concerns about hairstyle and set an appointment with a kid-approved stylist.
• Acne issues? Now’s the time to see the dermatologist to help your child make the best impression on that first day at school.

If your child is moving to a new school where he or she will not know others, consider these tips and share them with your child so that they know you’re there to help in any reasonable fashion:

• Again, make it your business to attend the orientation evening with your child in tow. He or she may meet a kid or two in the same boat, and they can swap phone numbers and make plans to sit together in the cafeteria the first day of school. To many children the thought of knowing no one and having to eat alone at the end of a table full of kids who already are friendly is a frightening thought. Many end up spending their lunch break sitting alone or wandering in the library.
• Take your child for a tour of the school so that he or she can become acquainted with the layout, bathroom placement, cafeteria, gym and library.
• Become active in the school if possible. This will allow you to meet other parents, and perhaps you’ll be able to stimulate some friendships for your child via the other moms and dads also volunteering.
• Highly encourage your child to join clubs, sports teams and to attend activities. Even if the kid could care less about the chess or drama clubs, at least she’ll be able to meet some other children and begin to make friends and establish familiarity with the other kids. Sports teams are excellent avenues for encouraging friendships — practice time after school often leads to going over to other’s homes on weekends for sleepovers or just pizza and a movie.
• Become best friends with the school guidance counselor. These folks are concerned that the kids feel comfortable in their school and usually have creative ways of getting kids together.
• Encourage your child’s involvement in study groups. Invite the group to your home and be sure to provide lots of food. Believe me, they will want to come back to your house!

Perhaps most important, though, is to make sure that you are really listening to your child.  Asking “Did you have a good day at school today?” will probably yield a quick “Yes,” whether it’s true or not. Kids are often embarrassed to discuss their social fears, even with their parents. Ask more specific questions, such as:

• Who’d you eat lunch with today?
• Do you walk to class with anyone in particular or do you walk alone?
• Who do you talk to before, during and after class?
• Is anyone being particularly nice to you?
• Is anyone teasing or intimidating you?
• Have you found a favorite teacher that you would feel comfortable talking with if there was a peer problem?
• What groups, activities or sports teams are currently active, and would you consider joining at least one or more?
• How’s it going at your locker? Do you know anyone whose locker is near yours? Would you like to have your locker moved to be near your new friend?

Ultimately, it’s up to your child to make the connection and friendship with peers, but hopefully these tips will help you, the parent, make those first few weeks a bit less worrisome and more fun for your child.

Dr. Ruth Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to TODAY. For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com. Copyright © 2006 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

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