Forensics shows
“Whodunit?” you ask. “Who cares?” I say. The thrill of the crime isn't the revelation that the philandering ex-boyfriend did it. Of course he did. Nah, the payoff is learning how the perp did it, and how — even though he thought he'd covered his tracks with latex, bleach and careful alibis — the forces of justice inevitably catch up with him. Primetime dramas are a farce.
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You won’t actually find the cast of the “OC” at the helm of an electron microscope or a crime lab designed by Michael Mann. Tough cases get solved by nerds in underfunded, overworked police departments, the kind showcased on the "The New Detectives" and "Forensic Files." On these shows, narrators Gene Galusha and Peter Thomas lay down hardcore forensic smack, revealing that dynamite contains microscopic identifiers and that police can trace tiny pieces of molten metal on a decomposed body back to the lathe in the metal shop where the victim’s murderous ex once worked. For geeks who dream of walking in the gumshoes of real forensic scientists, “CSI” can’t hold a UV wand to the offerings on the Discovery Channel, Court TV and A&E. -Josh Belzman
‘The Star Wars Holiday Special’
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Whenever I start to feel as if everything I write is utter hooey, a certain bootlegged videotape cuts through those feelings of inadequacy faster than a lightsaber through an aging Jedi master. “The Star Wars Holiday Special” calms the nerves, reinvigorates the spirit, and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that even creative geniuses can stink worse than bantha poo every once in a while. I’m not proud of the fact that George Lucas’ most notorious misstep makes me feel so good, but damn, does it ever. Shot on videotape, it aired just once, in 1978, then sparked widespread revulsion for its nearly unfathomable craptasticness. The show (written by, among others, Bruce Vilanch) follows Chewbacca’s family as they wait for the Wookie to return home. There’s Chewie’s wife; his unfortunately named son, Lumpy; and Itchy, his horribly disfigured — and, no doubt smelly — father. The original “Star Wars” gang makes perfunctory appearances, including an overly made-up Mark Hamill and a stumbly Carrie Fisher. And it all spirals even further into surreal territory when Bea Arthur, Art Carney and Harvey Korman start stepping in shtick. It’s terrible, and I love it —
schadenfreude of intergalactic proportions.
–Brian Bellmont
“Stargate: Atlantis”
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MGM
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I know, I know, the new “Battlestar Galactica” and “Doctor Who” are reinventing the sci-fi genre, exploring new levels of … blah blah blah. I don’t care. Sometimes you want popcorn, not a four-course meal. Give me a pretty boy pilot, a snarky scientist (picture Dr. House with nuclear weapons), a ridiculous premise to explain intergalactic travel and I’m happy. “Stargate: Atlantis” (not to be confused with its progenitor, the long-running “Stargate SG-1”) also comes with equal-opportunity alien eye candy, a woman commander who is neither a bitch nor secretly in love with a co-worker and a Big Bad whose motive is no more complex than wanting to eat the humans. This is classic sci-fi in all its finest, cheesiest glory, complete not only with “Star Trek” in-jokes but “Star Trek” (and “X-Files”) guest stars. Just don't take it seriously. The medical ethics alone are enough to make you crazy, not to mention the xenocide and rape featured in recent episodes. Hopefully, the creators will get over their ham-handed "Galactica" envy soon and focus on what's really important: more jokes about Sheppard's hair.
-Lori Smith ![]()
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