500 channels of Guilty Pleasures

There is no shortage of guilty pleasures on TV. After all, what's the appeal of 500 channels if you can't fill 499 of them with something utterly frivolous?

What separates mere boob-tube guilty pleasures from true Guilty Pleasures, then, is a certain abundance of the absurd.  This year's crop spans the decades, yet these aren't shows you admit to watching because they make you seem somehow a bit retro-hip. Whether it's the Olsen twins in their pre-toothpick days, or watching real cops geek out on forensics, you're more likely to watch these under cover of darkness, with the shades drawn.

And that's why we love them all the more.

‘Pants Off Dance Off’
I like watching people dance on TV. I like watching people take off their clothes. I like watching music videos. Therefore, I like Fuse’s “Pants-Off Dance-Off.” It’s this show where people strip for cash to music videos. My favorite contestants so far have been the white guy who did the junk-flop in boxer briefs to a 50 Cent video like he was Jennifer Grey and Mr. Cent his Patrick Swayze; and the woman named Miss Tickle who gyrated in a head-to-toe latex sheet, wriggling around like a skinny Leigh Bowery before finally taking off everything but the rubbery helmet on her head. When I watch it, I glaze over. It’s like the train from Stupidtown stopped at my house, the conductor yelling, “All aboard! We’re going in a circle right back to Stupidtown!” But I get on anyway. It goes well with beer and Pop Tarts. So far I’ve only seen “hot” muscular and/or boobular contestants on the show, even though the opening credits show a fat guy dancing shirtless. And I especially love to watch fat people dance. If I ran the show, I’d go find more of that. –Dave White

‘Saved by the Bell’

Lions Gate

Other generations are defined by “We have nothing to fear but fear itself” or “Ask not what your country can do for you.” Generation X gets: “I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so… SCAAAAAAARREEED!” Thus spake Jessie Spano, terrifyingly hopped up on caffeine pills. This particular installment of “Saved By the Bell,” that ’90s NBC Saturday morning gem, offers a leotard-clad encapsulation of why, even as we move on to mortgages, non-neon clothing and children of our own, we cannot look away from Zach and his Montana–sized cell phone: Screech in drag. Slater in hair oil. Kelly Kapowski in those stupid, stupid Keds. Math-wheeling Jessie in caffeine detox, which apparently requires a major hospital stay, complete with IV. And Lisa, lovely Lisa, being … rich, I guess. Why did this school apparently only have twenty students and the same three teachers? Why was there only one classroom? Who would actually buy a Buddy Band? This, however, we do know: I have my TV comfort food, and it tastes an awful lot like a dastardly caffeine addiction. -Mary Beth Ellis

‘The Joy of Painting’

Bob Ross Co.

Life seemed much simpler when Afro-topped Bob Ross, host of “The Joy of Painting,” was busy painting a beautiful landscape. Little footy hills and happy little clouds abound in the utopias he created on canvas. Ross, whose TV show ran from 1983-1993, made painting itself seem so simple, only taking a half-hour to finish each of his masterpieces. His soothing voice, which carries on in public TV reruns, taught not only lessons in painting, but valuable lessons in life. “We don't make mistakes, just happy little accidents,” was one of his favorite lines — and mine, because it could apply to nearly everything. He frequently reminded viewers, “You can do anything you want to do. This is your world.” With a little Titanium White and a dab of Cadmium Yellow, anything did seem possible with the help of Bob Ross — even for those lacking artistic ability, just like me. -Traci McMurray

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