Dr. Ruth Peters TODAY contributor • Profile • E-mail

Many bickering couples stay with each other just to keep the family intact. But are you helping or hurting your children? "Today" contributor Dr. Ruth Peters was invited to appear on the show to offer some insight. Here's her advice:

Is divorce ever a good option for the children?
Yes, it can be, but there are many sides to the issue. Some parenting specialists believe that children living in chaotic or unhappy marriages learn bad parenting techniques, and feel that these kids would benefit in the long run by their parents divorcing. However, one leading authority on the family (Judith Wallerstein, author of “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce”) disagrees. She theorizes that keeping the family intact is of such import that, even if unhappy or lonely, parents who are able to remain civil (not exposing the kids to fights, coldness or extreme disagreements) provide a better option than divorce. But folks who can commit to living together respectfully when actually desiring to be apart are rare, as this often means putting their own happiness and perceived fulfillment “on hold” until the kids are older or have left the home.

Should parents put the happiness and the welfare of the children before their own?
I believe that your happiness as an adult should not interfere with the welfare of your children, whenever possible. You’re the adult, and they are just kids. The fireworks may have fizzled from your marriage and you may not even find your spouse interesting or attractive. But he or she is the father or mother of your children and you should invest considerable time, attention, soul-searching and honest introspection before making a decision to forever change the dynamics and stability of your marriage and your home. If you haven’t sought counseling (an honest, sincere attempt here, folks!) then do so immediately. Talk with your religious leader, a trusted friend or family member who has evidenced good judgment in their own private life, or a therapist. Sure, marital therapy is often unsuccessful, but just as frequently changes can be made that alter the marital dynamic and the relationship can be more successful and rewarding. In other words, try to fix the situation before bailing out.

Get a reality check!
What are your expectations of a 10-year marriage after two kids, financial difficulties and living in a society where more folks are on their second marriage than their first? Of course there will be stressors. Obviously you’ll have some regrets and wonder why you walked down the aisle in the first place. Life is not the Waltons or the Cleavers … but it’s also not the Hogans or the Simpsons! Reality is usually found somewhere in between, and trust me, your neighbors have issues also, they just have different ones. Consider what you believe to be missing in your marriage and honestly try to determine whether this is something that only a spouse can fill. You may find that adding interests, activities or good buddies to confide in may help to fill the void and allow you to be more positive and fulfilled on a day-to-day basis.

How does divorce negatively affect children?
Everyone usually loses in a divorce in some way. Finances are divided, both parents usually have to work in full-time positions, and children often must attend daycare before or after school hours. Stress increases due to single-parent pressures (not having another adult to help with transportation, cooking, playing with, handling homework, etc.), finances, worries about the future, visitation issues and legal battles. When families split up, often the kids move to a new neighborhood and have to develop new friends and deal with a new school. Promises are broken (planned vacations, cars not becoming available), and there are many difficult adjustments to make.

How does divorce positively affect children?
If the marriage is tumultuous, divorce can be a relief to the kids. If a parent is abusive (physically and/or emotionally), has a substance abuse problem or causes constant chaos within the home environment, children often benefit from the separation. Many children are embarrassed to bring friends into their distressed environment and begin to stay longer at others’ homes in order to avoid the turmoil. When warring parents divorce, they tend to be happier, or at least less miserable. The diminution of stress allows them to spend more quality time with their children, and the family can become a solid unit once again.

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