How to help your child overcome shyness

Back in middle school, I was a social disaster. Barely anybody was a true friend, and for the most part I felt alone. I remember when I was at our eighth grade graduation I was worried about what might happen if I sat with my classmates. I tried to sit only with a friend and my family who came to help celebrate our graduation, but they convinced me to sit with the other kids. It wasn’t such a bad idea. They really didn’t bother me at all. The graduation party was great.

When I was entering high school, I was worried about the new surroundings, but most important of all, the kids. I hoped I could start fresh, and I knew everybody around me was anxious to get to know some people for possible friendships. I was shy at first, but everything seemed to get off to a good start. The kids were pretty nice to me. Of course, there were some disagreements, but it wasn’t even half as bad as it was at middle school.

But by spring my parents were bugging me to get involved in some-thing after school. I still hadn’t found anything. I felt I wasn’t good enough for any of the sports, and I wasn’t interested in anything else. Dr. Peters convinced me to help our varsity football team. That’s when I got pretty popular with my peers. I gained respect from the team and the cheerleaders. I remember times when they would clap for me when I came into the locker room. That made me feel wanted. That was new for me!

I also found that going to the football games was extremely fun and entertaining. I felt more connected to my school. My social life got a whole lot better — I got invited to parties for the first time since our move. I still get nervous about going, but it feels good to be invited.

Shy kids like Alicia and Greg can benefit from behavior management systems. Indeed, most timid children benefit from the structure and motivators that such a program provides. Rules and consequences are clear, and it’s easy for kids to make the decision to remain the same or try a new behavior. There’s no guarantee that the appropriate decision will be made, but at least the child has the clear option to choose which way to go and the knowledge of what consequences (positive and negative) will occur.

Keep in mind that timid kids tend to grow to be thoughtful and levelheaded adults.  They are cautious and think before acting.  Often, shy children become excellent observers of people and situations, and therefore tend to be sensitive, caring, compassionate—with the uncanny ability to understand others’ feelings.  So, respect your child’s nature as you work to help him or her to feel more comfortable in social situations.

Dr. Ruth Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to “Today.” For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com. Copyright ©2006 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

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