How to help your child overcome shyness

Dr. Ruth Peters TODAY contributor • Profile • E-mail

One of the most touching types of kids I see in my practice is the painfully shy. These kids are often so afraid of peer rejection that they assume anything they say to others will be perceived as inept, so they often go through the school day tongue-tied and anxious. Many of these children are lonely because making friends often involves taking risks — something shy people just don’t do well. It’s a vicious cycle: they’re afraid to talk to peers, so they present themselves as awkward and different from others. Some shy kids are perceived as snobbish, while others are seen as uninvolved and perhaps a little strange.

How can a parent help? First, understand that your child is most likely timid by nature, has always been and most likely will always be somewhat uncomfortable in new situations. Help him or her to feel more comfortable by arranging low-risk play dates (with a child that the teacher feels would be a good fit) or involvement in outside clubs or activities. Encourage your child to “keep things in perspective.” Timid kids have a tendency to assume that anything that is said about them by peers is either critical or negative. According to Dr. Ward Swallow, author of “The Shy Child: Helping Children Triumph Over Shyness,” there are five ways to help your young child to feel more comfortable with others.

Helping young children overcome shyness:

• Find a great preschool. Shy children can blossom in the right environment. Try to choose a program that has a teacher-to-student ratio of no more than 1-to-7.  Bring the child to the new school several days before classes begin so that she can meet the teachers and become familiar with the building. Let the teacher know about your child’s shyness. Together you can create a plan to make your child feel more at ease. Stay in close contact with the teacher during the school year, so you can work with her to address any problems.
• Prepare your child for events. Your child’s anxiety will decrease if he knows what to expect.  For example, a few days before a birthday party, you might arrange to take your child to the friend’s house to meet the parents and hear about the party activities.
• Listen patiently. Encourage your child to talk about his fears, and try to empathize with his experience. You could add, “Feeling shy is tough, sometimes I feel shy too.”
• Practice at home. Make a game of acting out different scenarios with your child, such as meeting a new kid at school. Switch roles so your child can experience both sides of the social equation. The repetition of role playing helps timid kids become much less fearful.
• Replace pessimism with optimism.  Shy behavior is often based in negative thought patterns and assumptions (“The other kids won’t like me.”), which lead to self-doubt.  Encourage your child to remind herself that she is okay, and a fun person to be with.

Helping older children overcome shyness:
For the older child, I often suggest behavioral techniques to help parents assist their children with peer-fears and social anxieties.

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At times I’ve had grade school, middle school and even high school children place 10 pennies in their left pocket, and each time that they say, “Hi, how’re you doing?” (or some other greeting) to another child in the hallway or classroom, they move one penny to the pocket on the right side. At the end of the school day, if all 10 pennies have been moved over, they receive praise and perhaps a treat (or allowance) from mom or dad for trying so hard to overcome their fear.  Often, saying, “Hi,” and speaking with other kids quickly becomes much less scary, and the child is on his way toward lessening his social fears.

Want some other behavioral tips for helping your somewhat shy or timid child to mature into someone who’s more comfortable within their own skin? Take a look at the following examples of kids whom I’ve worked with in my clinical practice:

Behavior management approaches to helping the shy child
Shyness has a strong genetic basis; many parents can tell if their youngster is shy by three or four months of age. It is one of the core traits that can color one’s personality throughout life. But by using behavior management techniques parents can encourage their shy kids to slowly take minimum social risks. And, success breeds success. Once the child feels comfortable in one social situation, he or she is emotionally available to try another. I accept and respect shyness, but I feel it’s important to help socially anxious kids learn the tricks of “appearing” less fearful. Many have learned to “faked it until they make it,” motivated by a behavior management reward program.

Timid kids generally describe themselves as “invisible.” Classmates wouldn’t care if they didn’t show up for lunch, and nobody would notice if they missed school for a week. It’s interesting, though, that when surrounded by family or close friends, these same kids can relax and display their true personalities. Once the social anxiety disappears, they are often seen as witty, creative, and compassionate people. But when faced with a new group of peers, they may revert to the quiet, awkward youth, afraid of being noticed and perhaps made fun of.

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