Young love: Parents dealing with teen romance

What to do if the situation gets out of hand?
If you have reason to believe that the relationship has gone too far (the kids are experimenting sexually, for instance), you must step in.  First, talk with your child alone, and discuss the reasons for refraining from sexual activity (emotionally she may not be ready, it often ruins the relationship or reputation, the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy). If appropriate, consider discussing these same issues with the boyfriend (or girlfriend), as well as with his parents. Trust me, his mom or dad would want this information as much as you would, and it’s better to not keep important issues hidden from the other parents.

Realize the limitations that parents have when it comes to controlling their kids’ behaviors. Even if you’ve given the best talk possible about sex and the reasons to abstain, kids can be very, very sneaky and stay sexually involved behind your back (and even in your house!). Watch the curfew, stay involved with your child, do not allow the kids to be home alone without a responsible adult present, and always check with the other parent when your child sets up a sleep over at his or her friend’s house. Many tweens or teens work in cahoots with each other, saying that they are staying at a friend's house, while actually spending the night with a boyfriend or girlfriend at an unsupervised location.

If things go too far, you may have to end the relationship. Initially your child will probably despise you for this — threatening to run away or to continue to see the boyfriend or girlfriend regardless of what you say. If you’ve been reasonable and still feel that this is a dangerous or very inappropriate relationship, then you should stand your ground and monitor your child’s actions and whereabouts closely. This too shall pass, but not without your kid making you feel like a real heel. Keep in mind the big picture and how important it is for your child to move out of this relationship and into a different frame of mind.

Hopefully, your child’s romance is successful and fun. But many tween or teen relationships are not, and end within a month or so of the first kiss. And if your child winds up being the “dumped” and not the “dumpee,” I’ve found that distraction often works best in these situations — send your daughter flowers from Mom and Dad. Even though it may not hold the same significance as a bouquet from the heathen who just broke up with your lovely daughter, it will help to smooth over hurt feelings to some extent. Take your heartbroken son to the movies — a good comedy or exciting action thriller will at least give him a few hours of distraction. Within a few weeks your kid will realize that their ex was (a) a jerk, (b) a player, (c) just not worth the drama, or (d) all of the above.

Dr. Ruth Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to “Today.” For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com. Copyright ©2006 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

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