Young love: Parents dealing with teen romance

Dr. Ruth Peters TODAY contributor • Profile • E-mail

OK — your 13-year-old daughter comes home from school and dreamily announces that she’s in love with the hottest guy in her grade. What’s even more astounding is that the kid has actually admitted to liking her also. And his birthday is just around the corner and she’s babbling on about whether to buy him a shirt or a CD. “Mom, what do you think that Jason would like better?  He’s so cute and would look great in that red polo shirt, but, you know, he’s really into music also. Oh, and what if he doesn’t get me anything … I just couldn’t go back to school!”

Great, from zero to practically married in 10 seconds flat and the kid is now vacillating between the highs that come from feeling in love and the lows of fearing rejection. Somehow you’ve just been placed in the middle of the whole mess!

Teen romance is not a new phenomenon. In fact, many of our grandparents were married quite young and began their own families in their latter teenage years. But nowadays it seems like even little kids are having crushes on both peers and celebrities, and tweens and teens are more actively engaged in the “hunt” for a partner. Being “single” at the ripe old age of 15 can be seen as abnormal by many kids, especially those who hang out with peers in the fast lane and aspire to be, act and look like the celebs on MTV. 

Although tween and teen romance is normal, it’s not without some pretty heavy ups and downs. Let’s take a gander at a few:

• It’s certainly risky business and a good way to get the first heart-break!
• Some tweens really do fall head over heels in love, and can continue a relationship throughout middle school and even into the high school years.
• Generally, this type of relationship narrows the child’s interests and involvement with others (sports, clubs and even academics). Hours spent on the telephone or chatting on the Internet with a boyfriend or girlfriend may be better spent with a more balanced approach to a relationship.

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What’s a parent to do? Well, try to keep a cool head yourself, make sure that the lines of communication with your child remain open, and that you are not judgmental (at least until you see the boyfriend’s rap sheet!). Also, try the following with your child:

• Discuss the benefits of finding a balance in a relationship, especially if your child is getting too involved or obsessed with the relationship. You may have to set some limits on telephone or Internet time, or suggest that activities and time are spent with a variety of friends.
• Caution your child to not spend too much money on gifts for the other person — it’s expensive, and may not be received well.
• If the relationship is relatively new, suggest to your child that he or she shy away from buying a gift that is to be worn on the body (jewelry, clothing) — that’s very personal and may be viewed by the recipient (or their folks!) as too intimate. Safer choices are CDs, books or cool cards or candy. And, feelings can be easily hurt if the gift is not received well or reciprocated. Guys should keep it simple — a card, flower or small box of candy is usually a safe bet. Girls — too sentimental may come across as smothering — keep the gift simple, cute or perhaps even humorous.
• For kids in more lengthy relationships, more personal gifts can be given and are often valued as treasured possessions.

How should parents handle the tween or teen relationship?

• Whatever you do, don’t ridicule your kid — no matter how unrealistic the crush or inappropriate the relationship. Your child’s feelings are real and should be respected.
• Communication is key. If you make fun of his or her feelings, your child may become secretive about this one as well as future relationships.
• Try not to be judgmental. Discuss with your child what is important, in your family, about dating, sex and the bottom line when it comes to who your kid can become involved with. At the minimum, I would suggest that the significant other must still be attending school, close to your child’s age, not have a history of legal problems, not be involved in substance use or abuse, and be reasonably polite when in your presence.
• If the kid at least meets these requirements, let your child lead the way. Unless the relationship becomes obsessive or interferes with other life activities, try to enjoy your kid’s involvement and new interests, of course with a watchful eye regarding curfew violations and honesty in terms of the ol’ who, what, when, where and why of where they are going and what they are doing.

Use the “relationship” as a jumping off spot for communication. Get to know your child’s interests, friends and how he or she wishes to be perceived by others via the boyfriend or girlfriend. Kids love to talk about their loves and infatuations — have fun with it and respect your child’s feelings. If you really like the boyfriend or girlfriend, let the kids know it — take them out to dinner or to the movies with you, praise the way that they treat each other and are respectful of feelings, and also show that you know when to back off and give the couple some privacy and time to themselves.

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