Caught your kid lying, cheating, or stealing?

Dr. Ruth Peters TODAY contributor • Profile • E-mail

Caught your 7-year-old telling a whopper of a tale lately? And, does the kid seem determined to stick to his story no matter how many holes you can poke in it? Notice that the more he’s backed into a corner the greater he professes that he’s telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Or, how about your 10-year-old niece’s recent sticky-fingers incident that took place at the neighbor’s house? She came home with a new music CD, swearing that her friend “had two of them and gave her the extra.”  Was this an incidence of stealing, borrowing or bartering?

And then there’s the 14-year-old boy in the ninth grade biology class that you teach at the local high school. This kid insists that he wasn’t cheating when he and his buddy each did half of the work sheet and gave the other the answers to the rest of the items. Sure sounds like cheating or, at the least, devious behavior. But the kid and his folks saw nothing unethical about it when you brought it to their attention at the parent-teacher conference last week.

Are these behaviors deceitful or normal? Well … yes to both. Lying, stealing, and cheating are dishonest, inappropriate and deceitful, but they are also normal, at least in a statistical sense. At some time during the growing years, many kids will tell stories that range from fudging to outright fibs, borrow or actually steal others’ possessions or look at a classmate’s test for an answer or copy homework. In fact, a study of 8,600 high school students found that 71 percent admitted to cheating on at least one exam in the previous year, and 92 percent said they had lied to their parents within that same time frame.

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And, these behaviors don't begin in adolescence. Children as young as 3 will take short cuts to task completion or engage in a lie or two. Let’s take a look at these not-so-charming behaviors in an effort to understand why kids of all ages can engage in deceitful conduct.

Cheating
The urge to bend the rules is often seen in children both at play as well as at school. Most of us like to win, and kids enjoy being seen as achievers, meriting others’ approval. Children will cheat at games, often denying that a rule was broken, or if it was then they may claim innocence since they didn’t really understand the rules to begin with.

Although they may indeed win the game or receive an “A” grade on a test, children and teenagers don’t seem to understand that they are really cheating themselves, not just their classmates or competitors. Kids who cheat academically tend to not understand the material, and fall behind their classmates in terms of grasping the concepts.

What to do:
Clarify exactly what cheating is. Many kids would agree that copying others’ answers during a test is dishonest, but may not consider bringing in a “cheat sheet” to class or writing an acronym on their hand as a memory aid to be deceitful. Some children even consider these as “victimless crimes” — they are not taking anyone else’s answers so who’s hurt by it? Another area of cheating that is often seen as acceptable by children is to skim a book, or to not even read it, and to pass off a quick review as a book report. Let your child know that not completing the work, taking short cuts or passing off someone else’s product as their own is indeed cheating, and therefore is not acceptable in your household.

Also, focus on process or effort praise rather than product praise. Show admiration for a tenacious attempt, not just for success. When kids feel that they are under too much pressure to succeed, cheating often occurs — not only to win the game or to receive a good grade, but to also “please” parents or teachers. Let your children know that you’re not just looking at the grade or the batting average, but more so at their persistence or sportsmanship. Children can’t always control the outcome of their efforts, but they can determine the amount of effort exerted, and that’s what really counts.

You can also lessen the impulse to cheat by teaching your kids that there are consequences (both behavioral as well as social) for this type of inappropriate action.  Teachers may look askance at an excellent paper if plagiarizing has been an issue in the past, and others won’t want to play games with your child if they can’t trust the integrity of the play. You can encourage honest play behavior by commenting upon cheating if it occurs during a game of checkers or Chutes and Ladders, and ending the game immediately, noting that “It’s not fun playing a game when the rules are not followed.  We’ll try again tomorrow.”

Finally, if you don’t want your child to cheat, don’t do it yourself. Those “rolling stops” at the traffic sign suggest to your kids that it’s okay to cut corners, especially if no one is looking. If a cashier forgets to charge you for an item and haphazardly places it in your bag, make a point of bringing this to the cashier’s attention and paying for it. Your child will soon get the message that you respect laws, rules and regulations and that you expect the same from your children.

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