Rescue on Roberts Ridge

There was one more mission to Takur Ghar. Fighter jets were called in to destroy the abandoned helicopter that had brought Nate Self and his men to the mountain.

unclassified army briefing / unclassified army briefing Photo of a crashed MH-47

Days later, troops scaled the mountain to retrieve whatever gear had been left behind—including the helmet of Brad Crose, the fallen ranger whose rifle Nate used when his own weapon jammed.

Soon after they returned to base, the Rangers set up an impromptu memorial in honor of the fallen.

When we last spoke to Nate, almost a year later, he could still vividly recall the helmets placed on each man’s rifle, along with their combat boots.

Former Ranger Capt. Self: As I looked at that equipment setup for Brad Crose. I saw the rifle and recognized that that was the rifle I used most of the day. My rifle malfunctioned just a couple of minutes into the fight.

And as I stood at that memorial ceremony and looked at his rifle I couldn’t help myself but just to move to his equipment and touch it, and really thank him.

And at that point a couple of other Rangers who were on the mountain came alongside me, knelt with me and embraced me. And many others did the same.

There was no shortage of heroes on Roberts Ridge that day.  But looking back those who made it out alive, like chopper pilot Greg Calvert, his hand now healed, credit Nate Self’s leadership and courage under fire.

Greg Calvert: He had a tremendous amount of responsibility for being a young officer.  And—he did it heroically. We all owe our survival to the decisions and the actions that him and his men made that day.

The army agreed. When Nate returned to the United States he was awarded a silver star. In January 2003, he was among those honored by president bush during his state of the union address.

For Nate, the recognition was bittersweet.

Self: I don’t know if I was prepared to handle praise. Especially when it’s given in light of death.

Julie Self: Even after the battle, and the talk of him being a hero and the medals and the awards and everything. I don’t think he found that easy to accept.

Self: On the 4^th of March in 2002, the men that were to my left and right and my front were either killed or wounded very severely, before we even got on the ground.  And it’s been difficult for me to really come to grips with why ah, it wasn’t me. 

A world away from that mountaintop in Afghanistan, Nate still anguishes over the delay in sending a chopper that he believes cost Jason Cunningham his life.

Self: When I found out that Jason was not going to make it, part of me wanted to just reach through the radio and somehow, squeeze the hearts on the people on the other end, the way ours were squeezed.

Julie Self: In his mind, I think he just saw the pictures of those soldiers that didn’t come home.

Nate carried the memory of those soldiers with him when he deployed to Iraq in May 2003. He was eager to go.  He was also unaware of the psychological wounds that were about to overwhelm him.

Self: I found myself looking at soldiers around me who were still alive and imagining what they would look like dead.  And I could see it. And I do that now. Sometimes my mind will go off, and whoever I’m talking to I can just say to myself, “I know what that person will look like dead.”

While Nate continued his service in Iraq, by the fall of 2003 Oscar Escano was enrolled at New York’s Columbia University. He’d left the army to pursue his dream of becoming a doctor like his mother.  He’s now in his senior year.  Though at times he has felt alone with memories his classmates cannot comprehend, Oscar came away from Takur Ghar with a remarkably positive outlook.         

Specialist Oscar Escano: More than a life-altering experience, I would call it a life-affirming experience.

Oscar says remembering the rangers who sacrificed their lives has been a source of inspiration.  He’s planning a career in emergency medicine.  

Escano: Maybe that’s why I’ve been able to make sense of it. Because I try not to push it away. I try to accept that this happened. And it was very sad. But y’know, how does it color how I view the world now? How does it make me wiser. And I think to neglect to do that, that’s a tragedy. Because then you don’t get anything out of it.

In January 2004, Nate returned from Iraq.  By the end of that year, he had retired from the army.

He and Julie are raising their two sons in Texas; 4-year-old Caleb and 1-year-old Noah. But in the years after Anaconda Nate’s emotional crisis deepened. 

Self: You can’t help to still feel a little guilty when the men that I’d trained with and loved didn’t come home alive.  Yet, sometimes I do think in my current state that it would have been more honorable or at least easier on me, had I not come home that day.

Julie Self: It took one night of just complete brokenness, for him to tell me what he had been struggling with. Umh, the nightmares, everything. I always saw him as being such a strong person, that he didn’t want me to see any of his weaknesses.

At Julie’s urging, Nate finally sought help. He has been diagnosed with severe post-traumatic stress disorder.

Self: It’s gotten to where it’s hard to really get myself to do anything.  Once I start something I don’t wanna finish.

Julie Self: I see Nathan struggling a lot with being out of the army, and a lot of his peers still being in, a lot of them being deployed.  And I think he feels like that’s still who he is, but he’s not over there.

Nate Self: I’ve had times when I don’t care much about myself, my appearance or my safety or anything. 

Julie Self:  I still ask him, “Will you open up to me, can you talk to me?”  ‘Cause for awhile, I thought, you know, he just feels like he can’t talk to me. And I thought it was something with me. But, now that I’ve learned more about it he doesn’t want to burden me with what he’s struggling with.

Self: And it’s always been hard and still hard for me to talk about the things that I experienced with people I love the most.

Today Nate attends both individual and group therapy sessions with a veterans administration psychologist and talks regularly with a retired army chaplain.

He also keeps busy working for a military consulting firm, providing leadership training for army officers.

Nate says he’s made progress, and has even thought of re-enlisting. 

Julie Self: His suits still hang in the closet, right inside with the suits.  Not that he’s gonna put ‘em on any time soon, but just for them to still be in there, hanging up, and every now and then, he’ll go in there, and look at ‘em…  I think he struggles with not being able to put that on anymore. If he does decide to get back in the army, you know, I’ll support him 100 percent.  I want him to do something that he’s going to get fulfillment out of.

Difficult as that decision is, Nate’s had an even harder time knowing what, if anything, he should tell his young sons about what happened on that mountain top in Afghanistan.

Self: In my current state, I don’t want my boys to know anything. I don’t want to be proud of anything.

Julie Self: But I see it as, I want them to know that, I still him as that hero, and for some reason he doesn’t see himself as that.

Julie hopes that someday Nate will decide to tell their sons about Takur Ghar, not to glorify war or what he did that day, but to help them understand the meaning of leadership and brotherhood  -- of service and sacrifice.

Julie Self: He was the leader that day. It could’ve been a lot worse. And I want his boys to know what kind of father and what kind of soldier he was.   

The kind of soldiers they all were. For all the military might brought to bear in “Operation Anaconda”, for all the bombs and advanced weaponry that echoed through this valley, silent images tell the real story of America’s strength: tiny dots moving in the snow, soldiers who risked their lives to protect their wounded, who gave their lives to keep a promise.  

Escano: In the Ranger creed, which all Rangers are required to memorize. It says, “I will never leave, I will never leave a fallen comrade to fall into the hands of the enemy.  And under no circumstances will I ever embarrass my country.” This is more than just a slogan.  We Rangers live by this. Of course you can throw around thoughts about how more lives were lost in bringing back Neil Roberts. But it’s not ignorance.  It it’s not stupidity.  It’s just, it’s honor.  It’s honor and respect for your comrades.

Self: Ordinary man can do extraordinary things.  When people love each other, they fight for each other like you’ve never seen before. I want the legacy to be just continuing the spirit of the American soldier.

Nate Self is exceptional in many ways, including his determination to reach out to fellow vets. He's now working through church groups to help others with post-traumatic stress disorder. He's also been doing some writing, which has helped him personally.

Oscar Escano graduated from Columbia University in May, 2007, and is headed to medical school.

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