Frommer's social skills tips for Tokyo

updated 1:09 p.m. ET June 19, 2006

Because of its physical isolation and the fact that it was never successfully invaded before World War II, Japan is one of the most homogeneous nations in the world. Almost 99% of Japan's population is Japanese, with hardly any influx of other genes into the country since the 8th century. The Japanese feel they belong to one huge tribe different from any other people on earth. A Japanese will often preface a statement or opinion with the words "We Japanese," implying that all Japanese think alike and that all people in the world can be divided into two groups, Japanese and non-Japanese.

While in the West the recipe for a full and rewarding life seems to be that elusive attainment of "happiness," in Japan it's the satisfactory performance of duty and obligation. Individuality in Japan is equated with selfishness and a complete disregard for the feelings and consideration of others. The Japanese are instilled with a sense of duty toward the group -- whether it be family, friends, coworkers, or Japanese society as a whole. In a nation as crowded as Japan, such consideration of others is essential, especially in Tokyo, where space is particularly scarce.

Meeting the Japanese--If you've been invited to Japan by some organization or business, you will receive the royal treatment and most likely be wined and dined so wonderfully and thoroughly that you'll never want to return home. If you've come to Tokyo on your own as an ordinary tourist, however, your experiences will depend largely on you. Although the Japanese will sometimes approach you to ask whether they might practice their English with you, for the most part you are left on your own unless you make the first move.

The best way to meet the Japanese is to participate in a super program launched by the Japan National Tourist Organization called the Home Visit System, which offers overseas visitors the opportunity to visit an English-speaking Japanese family in their home. Upon request, you might even be paired with a family with the same occupation as yours. It doesn't cost anything, and the visit usually takes place for 2 hours in the evening beginning at 7 p.m. (dinner is not served). It's a good idea to bring a small gift, such as flowers, fruit, or something from your hometown. Unfortunately, Tokyo does not participate in the Home Visit System, but two nearby cities that do are Narita (tel. 0476/34-6251 or 0476/24-3198) and Yokohama (tel. 045-441-7300). Reservations must be made at least 24 hours to 2 days in advance.

Another way to meet the Japanese is to go where they play, namely Tokyo's countless bars and eateries. There, you'll often find people who know some English and will want to practice it on you, as well as more inebriated people who want to talk to you whether they know English or not. If you're open to them, such chance encounters may prove to be highlights of your trip.

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Alternatively, check ads in Tokyo Notice Board for English-conversation schools. Designed to help Japanese improve their English, the schools often offer social hours and events, admitting English-speaking foreigners for free or at a discount. One such school is Com'Inn, 1-3-9 Ebisu Minami (tel. 03/3710-7063; www.cominn-jp.com; station: Ebisu), open daily from 3 to 10pm. Foreigners are welcome to join conversations for ¥500 ($4.15), which includes coffee or tea. Parties are staged two evenings a month with all you can eat and drink for ¥2,000 ($17). To find the school, take the west exit of JR Ebisu Station and follow the road alongside Doutour coffee shop; it will be in the next block on the corner to the left.

Finally, you can request the services of a volunteer Goodwill Guide for free guided tours of Nikko (tel. 0288/54-2027), Yokohama (tel. 03/3201-3331), Kamakura (tel. 090/9845-1290) and other cities in Japan. Reservations for a guide should be made 1 week in advance; all you need pay is the guide's travel expenses, admission fees to sights, and meals.

Minding Your P's & Q's--When European merchants and missionaries began arriving in Japan almost 400 years ago, the Japanese took one look at them and immediately labeled them barbarians. After all, these hairy and boisterous outsiders rarely bathed and didn't know the first thing about proper etiquette and behavior.

The Japanese, on the other hand, had a strict social hierarchy that dictated exactly how a person should speak, sit, bow, eat, walk, dress, and live. Failure to comply with the rules could bring swift punishment and sometimes even death. More than one Japanese literally lost his head for committing a social blunder.

Of course, things have changed since then, and the Japanese have even adopted some of the Western barbarians' customs. However, what hasn't changed is that the Japanese still attach much importance to proper behavior and etiquette, which developed to allow relationships to be as frictionless as possible -- important in a country as crowded as Japan. The Japanese don't like confrontations, and although I'm told they do occur, I've never seen a fight in Japan.

One aspect of Japanese behavior that sometimes causes difficulty for foreigners is that the Japanese find it very hard to say no. They're much more apt to say that your request is very difficult to fulfill; or else they'll beat around the bush without giving a definite answer. At this point you're expected to let the subject drop. Showing impatience, anger, or aggressiveness rarely gets you anywhere in Japan. Apologizing sometimes does. And if someone does give in to your request, you can't say thank you often enough.

Bowing -- The main form of greeting in Japan is the bow rather than the handshake. Although at first glance it may seem simple enough, the bow -- together with its implications -- is actually quite complicated. The depth of the bow and the number of seconds devoted to performing it, as well as the total number of bows, depend on who you are and to whom you're bowing. In addition to bowing in greeting, the Japanese also bow upon departing and to express gratitude. The proper form for a bow is to bend from the waist with a straight back and to keep your arms at your sides, but as a foreigner you'll probably feel foolish and look pretty stupid if you try to imitate what the Japanese have spent years learning. A simple nod of the head is enough. Knowing that foreigners shake hands, a Japanese may extend a hand but probably won't be able to stop from giving a little bow as well. The Japanese will bow even when speaking to an invisible someone on the telephone.

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