Dr. Ruth Peters TODAY contributor • Profile • E-mail

Keeping the balance between “what’s appropriate or important” and “what’s convenient or easy” is often tough to accomplish as a parent. For instance, let’s say that your four-year-old daughter is with her father at the mall and she has to go to the bathroom … and she means business when she wails “Right now!” No time for a quick run home … is it okay for Dad to take her into the men’s room if there isn’t a “family-friendly bathroom” available? And, when is it okay to discipline your child in public and what are some of the best ways to handle it? Let’s take a look at some of these tricky situations and how best to handle them.

When you gotta go, you gotta go!
Okay, it's Daddy-daughter time and the twosome are at the mall doing a little shopping, letting Mom sleep in for a change. All’s well until the kid announces that she’s got to “go,” and from experience Dad knows that he’s only got a few minutes to help her get the deed done before an accident occurs. Most malls have gender-free restrooms and that’s always the best option. But in this case it happens to already be in use and a small line has formed outside. Now Dad has to decide whether to send her in alone to the ladies’ room, or hope for the best and venture into the men’s room together. When I first considered these options, my knee-jerk response was to do a quick fall-back to my normal stance — that safety comes first, always. In this case, it would be to opt for the parent being with the little girl, taking her into the men’s room so that she could be supervised properly. But then I began to think about urinals and the possibility of her viewing male genitalia belonging to strangers and I began to wonder if my safety consciousness was overriding good judgment.

So, I performed a scientific poll … immediately. Well, it wasn’t really that scientific, but it did take only a few quick phone calls. I spoke with five pediatrician friends — three female and two male, and asked for their thoughts. Interesting results, but please take into account that this was a quick, “what-would-you-suggest” kind of analysis.  All five agreed that the little lady should be with her father in the men’s room, and that helping her to undress if need be and either standing in the stall with her or just in front of the closed door was the absolute best option. In fact, the two guys noted that men stand in front of urinals in such a manner that their genitalia would not be easily exposed to the daughter if Dad quickly herded her into a stall. Or, he could check out the restroom first for an “all clear” before bringing her into it if need be. The three female pediatricians focused also upon safety and having a parent or older sib watching the youngster closely. One suggested to shorten the actual time in the men’s room by not having the child wash her hands there, but that Dad could moisten some napkins in the water fountain and at least give the kid a quick hand wipe. Of course she suggested that everyone should keep a gallon or so of Purell in their glove compartment, and that a thorough germ-killing could later be accomplished in the car!

When it comes to young girls venturing alone into a public ladies’ restroom I believe that it’s not appropriate until the age of seven years or so. By second grade the child should be, depending upon her maturity level, safety-conscious enough to efficiently go into the bathroom, get the job accomplished, wash her hands, and leave without talking to anyone. The father should remain directly outside the main door to the bathroom (whether it is in the restaurant, mall or movies) so there would be an immediate pick-up as she exits the restroom. Sound a bit paranoid and untrusting of the world? Yep … it is. But, when it comes to kids, safety is paramount.

Discipline in Public?
Call me crazy, but I respect seeing a parent disciplining a child in public, rather than ignoring the rude or inappropriate kid behavior. Watching a Mom or Dad placing a five-year-old in time-out in the department store (even if the kid is fussing or crying) warms my heart! This suggests parental guts as well as a determination to reinforce that consequences occur regardless of where the meltdown happens. Of course the discipline would be inappropriate at the table in the middle of the restaurant, especially if the kid is pulling the mother-of-all meltdowns. He doesn’t need the audience, and the rest of us really don’t need to hear the wailing because he was denied dessert due to misbehavior at the table and Dad is sticking to his guns. Take the kid to the bathroom and stand him in the corner with your back to him. Or, leave the restaurant for a few minutes and put him in the car seat. Sit in the car but don’t talk with him. Let him be bored, miss the fun at the table, and perhaps consider not throwing crackers at his brother the next time he’s told to knock it off. The important thing is to reinforce that you will provide discipline even in public places. It’s not only appropriate to do so, regardless of the age of the child, but necessary in your attempt to raise good kids. Older children can lose home privileges (electronics time, bed time) for acting up in public as well. Once your children accept that you will handle, not ignore, the situation you’ll see better cooperation and compliance when in public.

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