You can’t spell Satan without the letter “$”

5.  AFI
A boring not-metal band whose record drops June 6, just like Deicide’s and Roth’s. I forget the name of it. Because it doesn’t matter. They’re already hugely popular. It’s not like they need me to name-check their latest product. The big signs I saw plastered all over Hollywood Boulevard the other day bear a weird resemblance to the billboards for “The Omen,” minus the pesky upside-down crosses. That’s called riding someone else’s coattails and it’s a bankrupt move. But it’s unwise to make the moms who dole out the allowance money too upset. So ride away, guys.

6. Ann Coulter
Isn’t it cute how her new book is titled “Godless”? And her publisher is calling the release date a coincidence. Sure, that’s true. Every inflammatory thing conservative writer Ann Coulter says is true, you know. If it weren’t, why would she say it? If she names her book “Godless” and says it’s her message, then everyone who doesn’t swallow her nonsense as gospel must be godless, just like she says.

In my rich fantasy life I envision her being kidnapped and taken on tour with Deicide, where they make her work the T-shirt and sticker table. And I could go for the easy joke here and call her the Antichrist — I won’t be the only left-wing American citizen doing that — but it would be as tired as using Satan’s name to sell books that reduce political discourse to name-calling and, um, demonizing the people who disagree. I will say, though, that there’s a space for her on the BFF list now that David Lee Roth’s been evicted.

Dave White is the author of the book “Exile In Guyville,” where he name-checks Slayer on page 3. Find him at www.imdavewhite.com.

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