Recent graduate homework: Watch these flicks

If you’re gay:

“Beautiful Thing” —  They may not have let you take your boyfriend to the prom, but as this UK import shows, you can still have a slow dance with him out in the middle of the street in your own neighborhood and not get the crap beaten out of you. Provided you have a spine made of steel

“Show Me Love” — “Beautiful Thing” for teen lesbians.

“Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure” — “Beautiful Thing” for grown men in love with their bikes and Mr. T Cereal.

“X-Men: The Last Stand” — All the “X-Men” movies are totally gay but this one features a kid with big giant white wings who not only has to come out as Mutant to a mutantphobic dad but then has to grow up fast and help save that dad’s life. All this while dressed like he’s about to jet off to Palm Springs for The White Party.

If you just flat-out know that you’re better than everyone else:

“The Opposite of Sex” — Christina Ricci slashes and burns her way through a thicket of people who simply don’t understand that they need to get out of her way. And she barely learns her lesson at the end, which makes it the best movie on this whole list.

“Ghost World” — They just don’t make enough movies about the cruelest truth of all: that you will grow apart from your best high school friends and probably never talk to them again after you graduate.

“My Brilliant Career” — Young Judy Davis endures and defies the low-expectations that conspire to keep her from growing up to play Judy Garland in that TV movie.

“Donnie Darko” — Yes, you’ve already seen this one probably. And it makes more emotional than narrative sense. But it’s the best post-9/11 teen-anxiety movie to date. Sparkle motion!

If you’re a weirdo:

“Harold & Maude” — Teenage boy falls in love with very old woman. They go to funerals together. They have sex. Then she has to leave the relationship because she dies. I’m making it sound less sweet and life-affirming than it is. Just trust me, it’s very cool.

“Welcome to the Dollhouse” — A teenage girl experiences torment, despair, brutality and emotional paralysis. This is what adolescence really feels like. And the moral is that nothing changes when you get older. It’s hilarious.

“Eraserhead” — An anti-coming-of-age nightmare about what will happen to you if you grow up, get married and have a baby. It will be a monster and your head will be chopped off and made into pencil erasers. Now go enjoy your life.

Professor Dave White is the author of “Exile in Guyville.” Learn more life lessons from him at www.imdavewhite.com.

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