Recent graduate homework: Watch these flicks

Because I’m not Toni Morrison I’ll never get the chance to address a class of graduates and give them advice about how to live their lives. And it’s just as well, really. I went to a party school/diploma factory in the Middle of Nowhere, Texas, so my ideas about rites of passage to maturity were mostly informed by dancing to “Jungle Love” by Morris Day and The Time and excelling at intramural vomiting.

But I know movies, Graduate of Today. I watched lots of different ones as you were growing up and shouting “Again!” as soon as your 27th viewing of “The Lion King” was ending in the family room DVD player. I’m not trying to say you’re stunted and weak but… okay yes I am.

So you need me and my wisdom. I have some titles specifically related to your station in life, coming-of-age films to guide you on your path. You can just put them in your Netflix queue or illegally download them to your laptop. But you should watch them between all those extended bouts of nothing you plan to do this summer. And don’t lie like you’re going to be busy. Everyone likes to pretend they’re being all Rory Gilmore-accomplished. But they’re not.

If you’re a serious-minded film student:

“Europa, Europa” — True story about a Jewish kid who had to pretend to be Aryan to save himself from the Nazis.  It matured him, as you might imagine. The foreskin situation alone will send chills down your spine.

“Murmur of The Heart” — Louis Malle classic of 15 year-old sickliness and sexed-up weirdness. This teen even does “it” with his own mom and no one seems too upset about it. (See also Malle’s “Au Revoir, Les Enfants” if incest creeps you out too much.)

“The Graduate” — A little on the hippie side but that’s how it was then, apparently. It’s about a guy who doesn’t want to go have a secure, successful career. He just wants to get it on with an older woman. This was back when college meant you kind of automatically got to have a secure, successful career so they were a little more cavalier about it all. Best seen if you’re not stuck temping somewhere.

If you’re a fan of “90210” reruns on Soapnet:

“Foxes” — Teen Jodie Foster runs around with her friends in the San Fernando Valley, evading the pervasive boredom and wearing sparkly tube tops. Life lessons interrupt.

“Real Women have Curves” — Recent indie film about a teenage Mexican-American girl in East L.A. who’d give her left one to run around carefree in the Valley.

“Risky Business” — Kind of like “Foxes” for boys. So privileged, so misunderstood. And it has the added bonus of featuring Tom Cruise before you hated him.

If you enjoy crying:

“Ma Vie En Rose” —  Belgian arthouse trip into the mind of a boy who wishes he could be a girl and the ill-feeling that sort of request tends to have on parents.

“King of The Hill” — Steven Soderbergh movie that everyone ignored — but that should be forced viewing for people who thought “Ocean’s Twelve” was so awesome — about a kid who has to survive by his wits.

“Crooklyn” — The best Spike Lee movie ever. A little girl in the 1970s loses more than her share of everything and weathers it all. It sounds sadder than it plays.

If you’re a potential serial killer:

“Friday the 13^th, Part 2”  — Jason was just an innocent water-dwelling child in the first one. But here, mom finally dead, he grows up to be a man and learns to accept his destiny as the grooviest ax-wielding monster of his generation. It’s like a blood-soaked “Bambi.”

“Sleepaway Camp” — Angela is stuck at Camp Acid-Washed Jeans and no one likes her. She has to find the will to keep going and accept the life lessons a poignant camp-bound summer can bring to a young girl. She also murders everyone who crosses her.

“Dirty Dancing” — Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze have the time of their lives growing up and learning to dance their troubles away. But it makes me want to kill people.

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