Forget Scientology, how about Opus Dei

Of course, Opus Dei’s policies are a double-edged sword. Because Opus Dei is so strict, there are a few adjustments that will need to be made to win over the celebrity market. Opus Dei's leaders may need to afford celebs some flexibility when it comes to the basic tenets — mostly loosening up a bit when it comes to the aforementioned celibacy, the 100% tithing, communal living and the sleeping on boards. Those requirements are all rather tough, sound uncomfortable and may scare away some Hollywood numeraries.

NBC VIDEO 'Da Vinci Code' critics see bright side May 15: Some critics of "The Da Vinci Code" have used the controversy to engage in a dialogue rather than merely protest. NBC's Peter Alexander reports. Today show

I suspect this trend will really swell when the Catholic church takes a good look at the possibilities and introduces “Opus Dei Lite,” offering simple substitutions for the more unpleasant aspects of the faith: possibly allowing low thread-count sheets in lieu of the wooden board, perhaps adopting a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when it comes to celibacy.  True, there will be lost finger-wagging opportunities, but a celebrity who practices even the most watered-down version of Opus Dei can still claim the moral high ground against Colin Farrell. Rumor has it that he sleeps on a canopied bed made entirely of untithed money.

No pain, no gain
Finally, there is the most controversial aspect of Opus Dei: corporal mortification. Corporal mortification is bound to grab headlines when Dakota Fanning jumps aboard. First there is the cilice, a circle of barbed wire worn on the thigh for two hours a day. Next is the discipline, a whip used to flagellate oneself — administered before, after and possibly even during an ice-cold shower, if you're a real glutton for punishment.

Corporal mortification may be a bit hard for some celebrities to swallow or for the public to understand. But some fervent devotees would argue Opus Dei without corporal mortification is like Kevin without Britney: broke, uninspired, and on a proverbial Greyhound bus back to Fresno.  Surely a class of people who have been plucked, Botoxed and Stairmastered for years can withstand a few half-hearted swings of the cat o’ nine tails?

For really big stars, a mere one hour a day with the cilice will probably suffice. It can even be cocktail hour, to smooth out the unpleasantness. A special edition of the discipline can be introduced: a bit softer for delicate celebrity skin, possibly scented and with the option of being administered by Radu, physical trainer to the stars. No amount of window-dressing will make it pleasant, but it may make it bearable.

And what’s a little barbed wire when you’re on the cover of Time for your outspoken religious beliefs? Stand up, Opus Dei soldier. You don’t get something for nothing. Style hurts. Just ask anyone who has ever broken in a pair of Manolo Blahniks.

Paige Ferrari is a freelance writer in New York City. She blogs at make-you-hmmm.blogspot.com.

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