Forget Scientology, how about Opus Dei

These days it’s hard to keep up with the latest trends in celebrity worship. By the time I bought my red Kabbalah bracelet, it was about as edgy as Livestrong, and about as cool as last year’s pashmina. Same goes for my at-home Thetan measuring device, and my autographed copy of “Battlefield Earth.” Astrology lost its glamour back when Nancy Reagan left the White House, and the only time I’ve been relieved to find myself suddenly passé was midway through my silent birth.

Style watchers are tired of the same old fringe faiths. We cry out for our celebrities to adopt a hip new opium — something to fill up entertainment magazine side-bars, launch accessory trends, and inspire prime time investigations. But what group could possibly have enough hype and heft to usurp behemoths like Scientology and Kabbalah as the next great religious movement of the rich and famous? My money is on Opus Dei.

Opus Dei is perfect. Thanks to the fervor over “The Da Vinci Code,”, this close-knit Catholic movement is the only fringe religious group that is also a household name. Advertisers work for years and invest millions of dollars for that kind of brand recognition. Most importantly, Opus Dei has the three elements necessary to capture the elusive celebrity market:

1) Visibility: How many religions come with a Tom Hanks movie tie-in? None, unless you count “Joe vs. the Volcano.” With “The Da Vinci Code’s” upcoming release in theaters, future release on DVD, numerous companion books, National Geographic specials and hundreds of newspaper and magazine articles, Opus Dei has a built-in publicity bonanza. A celebrity would be mad not to take advantage. Think of the escalating tension during your sit-down with Matt Lauer. Think of the point-counterpoint with Dan Brown, available on podcast. Remember: Bad publicity is still publicity. Even if Brown convinced a large swath of the general public in his novel that your faith's public ambassador is a murderous albino monk named Silas, it’s better than no ambassador at all.

2) Exclusivity: There are only 3,000 members of Opus Dei in America. I’m no celebrity, but I did learn something from the Ugg craze: By the time everyone is doing something, you want to have already done it and moved on to another. Any dynamite celebrity religion must begin as an exclusive club, something that not every Tom, Dick and Harry — or Tom, Beck and Jenna — can join. A celebrity who adopts Opus Dei can be confident that, with a membership representing about 0.001% of the population, they are joining the American Express Black Card of religious movements.

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3) Controversy: If a celebrity faith isn’t controversial, it’s doomed to sink into the pit of obscurity, and nothing creates more controversy than condemning the behavior of other celebrities. Let Tom Cruise’s denunciations of Brooke Shields’ postpartum medication be our guide. Fortunately, because Opus Dei is so strict, a celebrity practitioner is allowed nearly limitless finger-wagging opportunities.  A celebrity convert to Opus Dei has the opportunity to speak out against pretty much every box-office rival: anyone with even rudimentary carnal knowledge, anyone who sleeps on a soft mattress instead of a wooden plank, people who keep their take-home pay and anyone who picks a house in Malibu over a room in an Opus Dei commune.

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