When darling daughters become angry teens

Dr. Ruth Peters TODAY contributor • Profile • E-mail

Adolescent girls generally enter the teen years as human beings — giddy, rambunctious, talkative, and interested in just about everything. And then something happens — it’s insidious and you can’t quite put your finger on it as it doesn’t happen overnight. But slowly (usually) your best bud, the little girl who loved to be tucked in and tickled may recoil from your touch (especially in public), starts to share her deepest thoughts with her best friend (rather than you), and becomes obsessed with her body, clothing and perhaps boys. She may drop out of soccer or softball, quit the youth group, and declare that the mall is her Mecca. As she begins to menstruate her moods may take the entire family for a ride as she reaches unheard of highs when the phone rings and barely survives an evening just sitting home with the folks. And so you ask yourself, “What have I done to deserve this?” Well, you either gave birth to or adopted her, and most likely that’s about it. 

Most adolescent girls face unbelievable pressure on a daily basis. Katie, a 14-year-old who was seeing me for depression related how she would leave for school every school morning dressed in a Mom-approved outfit, but would change into a skimpy halter top and tight jean shorts as soon as she got to school. She felt guilty going against her mother’s standards, but couldn’t face the ridicule that she believed would ensue if her outfit didn’t fit the girl fashion code. She really was angry at having to do this, but instead of turning the anger outward, it spread within, leading to the depressive symptoms of appetite suppression and sleeplessness.

Elizabeth dealt with the girl peer pressure in a different way. Sixteen and convinced that whatever she had to say would be either laughed at or ignored, she spent her junior year in high school eating lunch in the library, every day. Being prone to denial, Elizabeth would kid herself into thinking that she was the one rejecting the other kids and that getting her homework completed in school was more important than gossiping or flirting in the cafeteria.

Thirteen-year-old Marcella, after having been dumped by her boyfriend of three months, literally took things into her own hands when she felt that she could no longer tolerate the loneliness and humiliation — she started cutting on her thighs and stomach, places she felt were safe from her parents’ inquisitive eyes.  Marcella explained, as do so many cutters, that “At least I feel something…it doesn’t really hurt…at least I can feel again.”

Katie, Elizabeth and Marcella are fairly typical teen girls. Certainly not every girl changes clothes just to fit it, or is frightened to eat in the lunchroom in fear of being rejected or uses self-abuse to fight depression or to gain control over her emotions, but many do. Too many.  The nine- or ten-year-old who would “tell” on cruel friends now at fourteen may feel that nobody would listen, so she handles it herself. The lucky ones may remember and rely on solid advice from their parents or have an astute friend or teacher who intervenes. But many teen girls do not feel that they have any resources to turn to, even if their parents are willing to be involved and, if given the chance, could be very helpful. It’s as if the trusting little girl has turned into a young lady who is not sure of herself or her parents’ intentions or motives.

Family Time with Dr. Ruth Peters Kids want cell phones? Here’s how to proceed Raising your kids: 5 tactics that really work! Suffer from Sunday night stress? How to deal Parents can help kids deal with mean peers Teaching kids what being 'attractive' means

I hear about this metamorphosis almost daily in my office — distraught parents wondering where their little girl went and how this odd stranger has returned in her place. It’s the opposite of the moth turning into a butterfly, in a behavioral and emotional sense. But it is normal, most teen girls evolve through this stage intact, and do emerge as that beautiful butterfly again as they enter adulthood. But it’s tough as a parent to have the maturity and patience to deal with the teen girl in an effective manner. It takes parental savvy, communication, asking others for help, and continually working with your kid even if she rebuffs you.  And, most of all it takes guts. You must develop a family code of ethics and values to stand by, to serve as a guide for your daughter about what is and isn’t accepted in your family.

Since 1977 I’ve seen kids and their families almost exclusively in my private practice. A lot has changed over the years — many children seem to be moodier, sassier and more disrespectful than in the past two decades. And, these behaviors and attitudes have generalized to adults other than just Mom and Dad. Schools face problems daily, ranging from non-participation and acting-out to downright disobedience and violence.

Dr. William Pollack in his works, “Real Boys” and “Real Boys Voices” eloquently portrays how playful, expressive young boys evolve into displaying the “Boy Code” at ever earlier stages of development — a tough, almost insensitive appearance molded by the holding in of feelings.  Letting it out with a good cry just isn’t acceptable, and Pollack and others hypothesize that this is why so many males become ill, unhappy or even violent as they mature. Boys, it appears, learn to be unexpressive and to under-react to frustrating, hurtful situations until they no longer can restrain the emotions, and then they blow — either physically or emotionally.

MORE FROM FAMILY TIME

Family Time Section Front

Kids want cell phones? Here’s how to proceed Raising your kids: 5 tactics that really work! Suffer from Sunday night stress? How to deal Parents can help kids deal with mean peers Teaching kids what being 'attractive' means Give your child more freedom this summer Your child's firsts: Is he or she ready? Are you? How to make sure latchkey kids are safe Difficult discussions to have before school When is my teen really ready to drive? Family Time Section Front   Add Family Time headlines to your news reader: