Tips for talking to your daughter about sex

Advice from Dr. Christiane Northrup:

Being able to talk honestly and openly with your daughter about sex will go a long way toward helping her accept her sexuality as a normal part of life. And this will enable her to negotiate her way more skillfully through our current culture in which young teens are exposed to more sexually explicit material than ever before, and at younger ages. Accurate and relevant information about all aspects of human sexuality — including her own sexual nature and feelings — will empower a young woman to learn how to accept her natural sexuality and eventually express it in healthy, appropriate, and responsible ways that do not harm her or anyone else.

Being able to talk to your mother — or a surrogate mother — about sexuality helps a daughter cope with her own changing body, her powerful sexual feelings, and the reality of peer pressure. Having accurate information and understanding about her own sexuality also offers protection against the consequences of premature sexual activity, e.g. pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted disease. Here are my top three “rules” for discussing sex with young teens.

1. Become comfortable with your own sexuality. All humans are sexual beings who have sexual feelings. Sex is a normal part of life. In fact, life itself is sexually transmitted! Trying to deny our sexual nature is neither helpful or effective. Sex shouldn't be taboo, shameful, or cloaked in secrecy. Having sexual feelings is never a problem. But there are clearly both responsible and irresponsible ways to think about and express these feelings. You want to teach your daughter that it's possible to make a conscious link between sexual energy and creativity and learn how to channel it in ways that are respectful and healthy.  

You obviously don't have to share the intimate details of your sex life with your daughter, but she will know by your own attitude and your behavior whether or not you are comfortable with the topic of sex. If she senses that you are uncomfortable about sex and that discussing it is a big taboo for you, she'll pick up on this and avoid discussing her concerns with you. And as a result, she may get her information from less reliable sources or simply act out her sexual feelings in ways that may be risky. Examples of this would be a mother who censors all sexual material on television by turning off the channel without any explanation, or who snoops through her daughter's bedroom drawers or diary, looking for evidence of her daughter's sexuality. This kind of censoring behavior forces a daughter to hide her sexuality and may favor sexual “acting out” which could be dangerous.

2. Don't make sexuality a “separate” conversation from other aspects of life. In other words, don't make a big deal out of it. Instead, treat it as a normal part of life. And use the normal process of life to present the opportunity to talk about sex. Use the content of popular television shows as a springboard for discussing sex in an open and honest way. I personally watched “The Blue Lagoon” with my daughters when they were young teens. This is a beautiful, sensual, idealized movie about a young shipwrecked couple who come of age together, and begin a sexual relationship on a deserted desert island. Watching some PG-13 movies (such as “American Pie”) together with your daughter is another option. She'll learn a lot when you share your thoughts with her after watching such a movie. 

What you saw on TODAY In “Mother-Daughter Wisdom,” Christiane Northrup, M.D. introduces an entirely new map of female development, exploring the “five facets of feminine power,” which range from the basics of physical self-care to the discovery of passion and purpose in life. This blueprint allows any woman — whether or not she has children — to repair the gaps in her own upbringing and create a better adult relationship with her mother. If she has her own daughter, it will help her be the mother she has always wanted to be. For more information, visit Random House, Inc.

You might also talk to your daughter about her menstrual cycle when she is having her period (or you are having yours) and use this normal biologic event as a way to discuss how different sexual feelings are associated with different times of the month, e.g. that ovulation tends to be associated with increased libido.

3. Make use of surrogate mothers. Even in the closest and healthiest mother-daughter relationships, there are some topics that daughters simply don't feel comfortable talking about with their own mothers. Anticipate this and engender an environment in which your daughter has a variety of other “mothers” she can talk to. This might include aunts, grandmothers, older sisters or cousins, or the mothers of her close friends. Sharing responsibility for helping all young women embrace and celebrate their sexuality responsibly and healthfully works best in a community of like-minded individuals, all of whom can do their part to help our young women grow up to be confident and empowered about all aspects of their natural bodily functions and feelings.

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