Don’t turn your child into a praise junkie!

Dr. Ruth Peters TODAY contributor • Profile • E-mail

In the latest installment from "Today" show contributor Dr. Ruth Peters' book,  “Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” she shares advice on making praise appropriate for your kids. Here's an excerpt:

Law #18:
Make Praise Appropriate, Not Addictive
Praise is like frosting on a cake. A little makes it taste better and too much will ruin everything. Kids need your encouragement and love it when you recognize their accomplishments. Just don’t ruin their trust by leading them to believe every little thing they do is worthy of adoration and a chorus of cheers. When they find out otherwise, they’ll be crushed and probably blame you for making them so needy of approval.

Recently, I had the opportunity to observe one of my families, 5-year-old Joshua and his parents, in action. They had arrived at my office about 15 minutes early, and having returned from lunch with a few minutes to spare, I was chatting with my secretary in the waiting room. As I was gathering my things to walk back to my private office, I was taken aback by a series of Joshua’s mother’s comments. The kid was playing with some blocks on the floor, and Mom was emitting a running commentary on his progress. “Oh, Joshua, that’s such a nice stack of blocks. You are so smart,” followed by “What a great job. I couldn’t have built that when I was your age.” Then Dad added to the drivel with some that’s-my-boy, chip-off-the-old-block statements that nearly caused my secretary to gag. After all, the kid was 5 years old, and stacking up a few wooden blocks is not a great achievement. You would have thought that Joshua had discovered a cure for the common cold by the way his folks were carrying on. No wonder he was having problems following directions in kindergarten — no teacher would be able to give him the amount of attention and praise necessary to keep the child motivated.

What is wrong with praising a child? Actually, a lot if it’s given inappropriately. Most of us have evolved as parents believing that giving praise is like eating calorie-free chocolate — the more the better. But new research suggests that complimenting children in certain ways may set them up to become praise junkies — looking to their parents or others for validation of almost every act or feeling, rather than developing an internal barometer for self-esteem and feelings of accomplishment and achievement.

Recent psychological study findings are quite straightforward and to the point — kids need praise to guide the development of such characteristics as self-control, self-discipline, frustration tolerance and perseverance. But studies recently completed through the Department of Psychology at Columbia University in New York City note that the manner in which children are praised as well as what they are praised for makes a significant difference in how they later fare when faced with challenges or perceived failures.

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The results suggest that kids who are praised for effort and hard work begin to value learning opportunities, whereas children who are praised for their abilities value performance. The studies showed that praising a child for a personal characteristic such as intelligence (“Aren’t you smart. I can count on you for getting an A on your reports!”) can often backfire. The researchers noted that kids given praise that evaluates the child or their traits and abilities (known as person praise) were significantly more likely to display helpless reactions (cognitions, affects, and behaviors) when they were later challenged with more difficult tasks than children who received effort or strategy praise (“Wow, I like the way you looked at this problem from several angles and chose an unusual solution”).

What that means, folks, is that kids who are praised for self (traits such as physical attractiveness, intelligence, or possessions) are prone to deal less well in the future with problems and challenges than are children who are complimented for their work effort, regardless of prior success. In a nutshell, when you compliment work effort, you often help lead your child to a solid work ethic that will continue to develop as he grows to and through adulthood. The time-worn sayings “It’s not whether you win or lose that’s important, it’s how you play the game,” or “Success is more perspiration than inspiration,” apparently are not just Great-Grandma’s ramblings — there’s now clinical data to back her up!

When parents express appreciation for what a child has accomplished by focusing on the effort put in or the method used to accomplish the task, rather than by labeling or evaluating the child as a whole, this sets the stage for perseverance in the later years. Praise for the effort, strategizing, work, and persistence children put into their accomplishments more fully recognizes their achievements than does ability praise. This means that kids should be praised for how they do their work rather than for the final product or their IQ score.

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