Mother-daughter miscommunication

Q: I am a single mom with an 8-month-old daughter. The father is not involved and probably never will be. How do I even begin to answer my child’s questions (when they do arise) about her biological father? How honest should I be?

A: Talking to your daughter about her biological father will be an ongoing conversation, says Andrew Roffman, a licensed clinical social worker at the New York University Child Study Center.

“You start early — as soon as she understands and asks a little bit — and then you talk about it regularly and probably in more detail as she gets older,” he says.

Don’t think you have to disclose everything all at once. Your daughter will probably not be mature enough to understand the complete scenario until adolescence. However, the very worst thing is not to talk about it at all, says Roffman.

“This leaves open the possibility for shame," he says. "A kid in this situation might jump to the conclusion that it was something about her or there is something terribly wrong with her father, something that reflects badly upon her.”

Hopefully, you can be honest with your daughter without demonizing or glamorizing her father and the situation.

And, even though your daughter is just an infant, there is something you can do now, according to Roffman, to get started on healthful communication. “You can start to work though your own feelings when it comes to the father,” he recommends. You may harbor negative feelings toward the father — anger, shame or even guilt about getting pregnant and the fact that he’s not a part of your life.

“Sometimes it’s helpful to talk to other single mothers or get some counseling,” says Roffman. Consider working with a therapist or seek out single parent support groups in your area.

In fact, the more support you have the better. “One of the key elements of building a strong family in single parent households especially seems to be reaching out and finding these support structures,” says Barbara Fiese, a professor of psychology at Syracuse University. “You create an extended family not just out of family members but also friends, support groups, church groups or neighbors.”

Fiese, who researches family traditions, also says that structure and ritual add stability to any family configuration — and benefit children.

“Rituals provide a sense of community, predictability and order. They’re a safe refuge from the hectic activities of the outside world. Something as simple as maintaining a bed-time ritual or eating meals together a few times a week can have a strong impact on any kid’s emotional and physical health,” says Fiese.

Victoria Clayton is a freelance writer based in California and co-author of "Fearless Pregnancy: Wisdom and Reassurance from a Doctor, a Midwife and a Mom," published by Fair Winds Press.

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